The routine of my days keeps me mechanically on schedule: make breakfast, get meds ready, care for animals, drive to school, make bed, clean floors, do laundry, clean kitchen, drive to school, get meds ready, care for animals, start dinner, clean kitchen, make lunches, get meds ready, go to bed. Rinse and repeat the next day. Somewhere in between all that I am jerked into awareness by life. Sometimes it is something wonderful, beautiful, or humorous. Sometimes it is something sad, frustrating, or difficult.This is definitely not the way God would have me to serve Him.
I am not teaching so I have not studied His Word much at all lately. Definitely not good. I did visit a new church. And, although it was nice to sing sound worship songs and hear Scripture taught, it was awkward...oh, did I mention that I absolutely struggle with making new connections????
So, yes, I am weak. Yes, I struggle. In my mind, I think that I could be the worst follower of Christ ever but Truth lovingly reminds me that in Christ, I have all of His righteousness and that is comforting. It is also something I do not need to take for granted.
Encouragement has come in many forms lately - Scripture, preaching,
friends, prayer, sweet little blessings of life. All things that remind
one that God is never out of control or far away. All things that
strengthen one's faith and push one on in life.
All things that came at the right time because one more challenge was coming.
Last night as I was in making lunch mode, my son texts me to say that tomorrow is the day that he wants to take his dog to the vet to have her put to sleep because she has gotten worse. This is not something he wants to do alone and he wants me to help him. I love this dog because I know God sent her to help keep him on track and be more responsible. This dog has helped me to sleep at night. Now she is teaching him new lessons that are difficult but very important. She has brought him to us and in this time, I can minister to him.
As I collect myself to take this on, my daughter comes home from her new job. It has been nice to see her able to get out and function but last night was not an example of this new found ability. One look at her face and I knew that it was the Lyme. All color was gone and there was a zombified look in her eyes. Tears started to stream out when she saw me. She had held it in until she got home.
The herx reactions from treatment are farther apart now but when they hit, they are strong. It seems that her vision is more affected now. Her low back has intense pain. She has had a weird pale yellow bruise looking mark on her lower spine for months and now there is another one, bigger above the old one. She had to take something to be able to fall asleep.
The search is on for a Lyme-literate eye doctor because anyone else will just roll their eyes when I say that she has Lyme and it is probably affecting her eyes. I have not decided which is harder - watching your child suffer and being helpless or dealing with doctors who think you are crazy. I have decided that I will continue on because I know God is using all this for His purpose.