Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I'm Gonna Sleep That Pain Right Outta My Head

  We are no closer to a resolution in our situation. As soon as we feel like it is clear which course we should take, we halt in our steps doubting. Our foster daughter has been in respite for 6 days. Yes, the dynamic in our house feels settled and like a home again but there are those moments when you walk past her room and realize she does not have this comfort. The moments lead to thoughts of how terribly sad and traumatizing her life is and may always be. Those moments do lend you some relief because it reminds you that you can not do anything more than you did before to help her. It is selfish to want an easy answer.

  I pressed. I pressed to find out what was said at the meeting the counselor had with her. The counselor was reluctant so I kept pressing as if the information  was the solution but it wasn't. The refusal to come back here was stated right out of the gate but later it changed to not caring where she ended up. The counselor presses back, "We are not sure where she will go yet so if she does not come back to you, I may have to come get a few things but not everything." It is selfish to wish this did not hurt.

  We stayed up one night playing out what it might be like to have her back and we could see no way that things would change except that we would be more resigned to her getting help and not losing control in our  own home (we were not sure we could uphold this part).

  Sometimes I think about what she is possibly doing at that moment. Is she talking to the respite family? Is she holding all the anger in pretending that she has no problems or are they seeing the explosions? Did we wound her? It is selfish to want an answer. 

  If we bring her back, we risk everything that was crumbling before she left - our marriage, our family. If we do not bring her back, we risk adding to the years of wounds in a child's life. If we do bring her back, there is no guarantee that she would not be wounded anyway and in a year she would likely disappear after she aged out. If we do not bring her back, she will possibly disappear anyway when she ages out. But, what if she ends up in a home that is a better fit? But, what if she ends up in a home that is worse? 

  This is why I am sleeping most of the day away everyday. The only solution I have so far...

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're experiencing this loss, though perhaps the Lord removed her for the sake of your marriage and your family. I don't consider your pain selfish, however. Obviously, you love this girl, and want the best for her. How could such an attitude be selfish?


Comments are for people! Spammers and robots are not allowed because they do not have souls. If you have spam links in your comment, it will be deleted.