Friday, July 24, 2015

Colorful Random Thoughts

 Why God? Why God? Why?

 Is not that the question that drives disbelief and faithlessness? 

 That was a rhetorical question...aren't all blog questions rhetorical though???

 I know the answer to the question anyway. Every time I examine myself when it arises and realize that it rears is ugly head whenever I do not like my circumstances. Oh yes, that kind of immaturity still exists in my faith. 

 Today as I sang praise songs at the top of my lungs on the way to another doctor appointment with jellybean, I started thinking about Noah and the flood. Many sermons exist that discuss the idea of the ark being a picture of Christ but what about the water flooding the earth as a picture of Christ. It washed away the sin in the world and doesn't Jesus do that? 

 As I drove on, I saw a rainbow flag over a dance club and those always make me want to yell, "The rainbow is God's." Although today a new thought struck me. Why was the rainbow adopted as a symbol for the homosexual community? Interesting question, so why?

 God used the rainbow as a promise that He would not destroy the world with a flood again but that was after He wiped out the sin and depravity that had overrun the earth. Could it be that using the rainbow is a way to try and throw God's promise back in His face? 

 Ok, ok, I know people doing it are not thinking of it that way but subconsciously and in the scheme of the enemy it makes sense to me. 

 The other thought I had was how awesome it is that every example of God punishing sin in the Old Testament has a match in the New Testament in Christ. The obvious one is the Passover but my mind wandered back further to the Garden of Eden and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Just look in the New Testament though, Jesus is the fruit that we can "taste and see" as the words of the Psalmist say. Instead of death, He brings life. Instead of opening our eyes to evil, He reveals holiness and righteousness. And, we are not told to question God as the serpent did to Adam and Eve in the Old Testament but see that He is really good. 

 Don't you just love that about God? He has had purpose in every thing and used it all to put His plan of love into motion and, yes, that means that He does still include correcting us because that is what a good father does. What a blessing and it seems waving a rainbow flag is a lovely thing to do when we are doing it to remember what a gracious, awesome God there is that gives us breath and life and meaning and grace and a chance for reconciliation. He is worthy to be praised and that always strengthens my faith and quiets my doubt. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

plain jane and captive

 Yes, it has been a while and long periods of silence are not really conducive to producing a popular blog. Then again, being popular is not something with which I am acquainted. Growing up, my mother told me several times that I am just a plain Jane and it is something I have come to realize is ok. Being plain Jane is like plain yogurt, it is not fancy or exciting or anyone's favorite on its own BUT it is a base for something better to be built. Add some granola or chocolate chips or pineapple and wow!

 Unfortunately, this plain Jane kept looking in the wrong places for its definition, for glory. It is completely obvious that there has to be more than just me. Thankfully, God scooped me up and He has taken this plain Jane to all kinds of places and used me in all kinds of ways. Sure, I fouled parts up at times but He knew and kept working, sculpting, softening and He still does the same today. Sometimes I have sense enough to recognize when He is using me.

 I see it right now, at the moment.

 This little boy who is missing a small piece of his brain and how he was put with this plain Jane who has learned some great lessons from an amazing nephew with 2 brain disorders and has an awesome resource in an experienced sister and has a foothold in persevering through challenge watching her daughter's drive to overcome illness. But more than anything, God has richly blessed my heart with this little guy.

 Yeh, I whined and wallowed about the hospital stays every month and the frustrations of dealing with his mother but I learned...uh, am learning. The lesson was hard to swallow and I am still processing it fully. This plain Jane was a captive to negativity and no true believer should be captive to anything but God. My bondage was...or, to complaining and losing sight of contentment. Plenty of reasons exist to be grateful and content. 

 Since April, my precious daughter graduated high school (I am no longer a home school mom, which is actually a sad part). Jellybean has been in the hospital two more times which included more tests and a surgery but he is doing better and blooming into a spunky little boy. 

 One blessing started out as frustration and fear. We had a meeting with foster care review for his case. It was going to be necessary for me to stand up and advocate for Jellybean. His lawyer does not even know what he looks like much less his medical issues and his DCS worker is too overloaded to keep up with everything. 

 Let me admit, I was scared. His mother has a past of being physically confrontational. At first, I prayed that she would not show up but then I realized that it was not the right prayer. The right prayer was that God would be glorified so I switched my prayer to Isaiah 26, specifically verse 3: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." She did not show up and I did speak and it went just the way God desired it to go. Their recommendation was not exactly what I wanted but it was a small step in a positive direction and I will surrender my desire for God's plan any day.  

 Faith can bring clarity in all situations. God's plan falls under His righteousness, justness, love, and holiness. I cannot fathom what all that means but I can trust that He knows what He's doing even if I  do not understand it all. It is not a cause for doubt or worry. I understand that God is way bigger  than our comprehension and that is comforting. If I could wrap my mind around His ways, I am pretty sure I would tremble in my boots because after all, I am just a plain Jane. Because of that I will remain captive to my Lord alone, plain and not always simple. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

I am Clean

 As I was sitting here watching the traffic flow and the world pass by eight stories below our hospital room, I tell myself that this is not really my baby but my mind and heart do not believe it. Yet, I cannot even sign for him to be treated when we go to the ER and I cannot take a trip with him out of the state without approval and a letter stating that I have that approval. 

 Sometimes our hearts do not quite grasp the world's rules and sometimes they grasp them all too well. In the hospital, I experience both sides. To my heart, this is my child fighting to just breathe and I ache for him. The other side of me, struggles with the world telling me that I should not have to deal with all the drama that comes with having someone else's child. The world tells me that I deserve to have things my way and my heart likes that confirmation.

 The Spirit, on the other hand, lets the heart know that it needs to adjust to Truth in spite of what I feel or what the world affirms. So the battle rages everyday to slay the flesh. Yep, I am one of those people - one of those people who are not perfect unless you count perfectly depraved, one of those people who struggles to stay the course, one of those people who wrestles with faith, one of those people who finds themselves falling flat but realizing that it is a good position to seek repentance.

 Why does God lovingly hear and care even for the smallest detail of such a silly woman's life?  

 I justly deserve wrath for sin but instead God gave me a shower. Maybe that does not seem like a  big deal but, you see, I prayed for one. The situation I am in made it impossible to even take a shower. It is such a trying situation and I was not being very Christlike but I prayed for God to give me the power to honor Him and to just let me have a shower. He answered and not only did my attitude change, He gave me a shower yesterday and today. Today was extra sweet because the volunteer who showed up to sit with jellybean was a sister in Christ and I almost wept when she was so joyful in being able to give me a few minutes to just clean up. Okay, I did weep but only in the shower because it was the perfect camouflage. 

 How come God cares enough to give such a prideful, selfish sinner a moment of respite, of refreshing? 

 I am one of those people who believes it is because He predestined it to be so, Christ made it possible for Him to offer us grace instead of punishment and His Word tells us that and it can be completely trusted.