Rain Can't Wash Away Lousy Poetry or Exhaustion

  Rain, rain came today

and always comes on Friday

with a quick torrential shower

that floods the yard 

and knocks out power

 In the pantry, be sure to leak

of the mess, I dare not speak 

Thunder slaps and house shakes

A trail of wetness my dog makes

Pig squeals to come in

Protests come from the drenched hen

 Peaceful day into upheaval

Abandon attempts at sanity retrieval

Outside, still it pours

Beating on the windows and the doors

Gushing out of the sky

all the tears I cannot cry

   So, that is my day. Exhaustion overload seems to be the theme of May. Our quick weekend getaway was much needed after this last week. Starting with another in-school suspension for our foster daughter, another diagnosis added to our daughter (Lyme's Disease), and drama caused by my step-dad who is gallivanting around Florida with an ex, I was ready to go away. Antarctica was sounding better every moment. But, our getaway was nice just not restful. 

  Which is probably why I feel the way I do...

  Have you ever had those days where inside you just want to cry but you can't because you know it would be like the opening of a dam? Instead of crying, I have been reading Psalms about people crying out to God. Then today, watching the news about Oklahoma, I counted my blessings and prayed for the residents there. The Lord hears and knows our pains and sufferings. He answers the cries of His children. In our ever-changing circumstances, He is constant. He is always good, always faithful, always God.

Wild Roses and Other Original Things

   Spring has cued up everything green and all the wild plants in the woods are blooming. The wild roses are like heaven right now. The scent of them encircles every inch of our property. The color is the sweetest mauve blush that is inadequately captured in the photo.

  They are superb! Sure, the Knockout roses put on a colorful display and you cannot help but turn to look at them as you drive through neighborhoods but there is something a wild rose has that a "manufactured" rose lacks. 

  It is said that we should stop and smell the roses but I think God created wild roses to perfume the air so that one only has to go about living to enjoy their gift. Their aroma sweetens everything you do. This is a lot like what God expects of us. We do not need to be flashy or draw attention to ourselves but only to be pleasing to God and sweeten all that is around us with His praise. People should notice it. 

  Unfortunately, I have not succeeded in doing this in my life. Lately, I resemble more of a dried up fern (like the one on my front porch that I forget to water). I draw no attention to myself except that someone may think I am used up. There is no pleasing aroma, just fronds of leaves starting to turn brown. The praise of God is practically silent. It does not take much thought as to how I ended up like that - stewing on burdens that are not mine to carry, dealing with difficult circumstances in my power instead of God's, and not feeding my soul enough on His rejuvenating Word. There it is. The ugly truth. 

  Can I become more like a wild rose? As we struggle to draw our foster daughter into a life of hope, we keep finding new challenges around the corner. She is so busy putting herself out on the internet to find a connection with anyone that she doesn't see what is right in front of her - people who care. And this business with Chronic Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever is perplexing. Research is very limited. Treatment is very limited. Information is very limited. We really have no idea about the prognosis. It is hard to watch children struggle and feel helpless. 

  This is where I have to remind myself that I am not without help. The Almighty Creator is sustaining me. Oooo, I can almost feel my shriveled fronds uncurling a little just talking about it. 

  God can see you through a rebellious, self-destructive child. He can strengthen you when your spouse is not walking with Him and you have a wayward son. He can move you through the sickness of your youngest child. He can revive you as you support and minister to a parent through a divorce. He can change a half-dead fern into a sweet-smelling rose. 
Psalm 1:1-4
Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
² but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

³ He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

Brussel Sprouts on a Stick

  Have you ever felt that you were selling brussel sprouts on a stick in the back corner of candy store? 

Completely out of place, no one wants what you are offering, and everyone thinks you are out of your mind????

  The past month was like that for us and a few lessons were born from it:

 

 #1 Fear is not a reason to lose hope even if it seems futile. Fear should motivate us to seek Truth and overcome the trial before us. God is sovereign. We may need to question our motives but do not question why God has put you where you are in life. Rely on God to move you. If people think you are crazy for doing what you are doing, you may need to realize that  people are not privy to God's reasoning usually until after He is done. So, set yourself on the course knowing that He can be trusted. Sell the brussel sprouts amongst the multi-colored confections with hope and faith. 

#2 Discouragement can only affect you if you allow it to do so. Selling brussel sprouts on a stick in a candy store is undoubtedly going to draw some critics. Expect that God operates in ways that people cannot comprehend and therefore, it may bring condemnation. No matter their reason for being discouraging, you have a choice - let it wear you down or let it roll off. If God has put you where you are, then He will give you strength to persevere. Think of Noah building the ark when no one else believed a flood was coming. Keep showing up with your brussel sprouts even when others look at you and make gagging gestures. 

#3 Doubt can come but you do not have to let it take up residence. Face the fact that our flesh is weak and as soon as we take a moment to relax instead of pray or just check e-mails before having quiet time, we will find ourselves in a pit and doubting if we were ever really on the path in the first place. Look at Moses. He questioned God right to God's face...sort of. God did get angry but He was faithful to His plan. When you see the doubt coming, do not sit in it. On the days that you do not want to get up and sit at the brussel sprout counter, go anyway and smile knowing that God is at work. 

   Intertwined in this last month was despair, discouragement, anger, frustration, fear, joy, and worshiping. One cannot put all those pieces together without recognizing that God is capable of orchestrating a beautiful symphony for His glory out of chaos. My faith was tested but God poured out little mercies: my husband who is struggling in his belief used Scripture to refocus us during crisis, my health issues were reversed for the better with diet changes even though the doctor doubted it would without meds, and life turned a corner with foster care after a respite. In all of it, we realized it was okay to be brussel sprout vendors in the candy store.

  After a rough week with our foster daughter, we decided to get a respite for the weekend. Friday night we dropped her off and then did crazy things like leaving my purse unattended, not locking the med or cleaning supply cabinets, and keeping knives on the counter. Oh yeh, we lived large. When we picked her up, she was quiet until we got home then she chattered away about how she missed us. We are on a three day streak of talking. She even let me help her study for a test and showed me grades from quizzes she took. And, I corrected her without her reverting to nastiness. This IS HUGE!!! It may not last but it is progress. 

  One difficult note came after a good visit with our bio daughter's doctor. He did more tests since the diagnosis of a gluten allergy was not the answer to all her symptoms. We got the answer but it was not good. At least it put us on the path to dealing with her issues. She has had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever at some point and the effects will probably last all her life. She will never recover her old extreme activity level but then if she had not gotten sick, she may have never recognized the desire God put on her heart to do mission work in Central America. After 5 years of struggling with health issues, she has spent a lot of time studying God's Word, meeting with people who helped her grow spiritually, and praying. Her goal is to serve God. As a mother, I cannot imagine a greater desire for my child to have.

  A song recently played on the radio that struck my heart deeply - "In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing's wasted." We discount struggles and hardships as valueless or a loss but God uses everything. He never produces waste.

Cue the Vultures

  Shocks to the system are so unexpected, hence the use of the word shock. If you have ever experienced an electrical shock, you know the sudden feeling of discomfort and the surge that runs through your whole body. It is not pleasant. 

  Once I blew up my stove top and in the process was shocked (a long story that I refuse to tell right now). The point is that it was very unpleasant and left me feeling nauseous. Two things happened this week that were quite like that stove experience. One I will move past and eventually stop having weird dreams about and the other will probably affect the rest of my life. 

  Driving along the wooded road near my house, I was on my way to pick up my daughter when my peripheral vision caught sight of something on my left. I slowed down and turned my head only to see an extreme close up of a deer. I remember thinking, "Why is there a deer's face on my windshield?" The deer and I were eye to eye. It drooled on the windshield before the force pushed it back to the place from where it had emerged in its surprise attack. Thankfully, I had started braking when I caught sight of the something. Unfortunately, the impact was not enough to kill the deer only wound it so it had to suffer. In situations like this I react instantly. My neurons are firing and I spring into action. It just happens to be that the action is booking it back home as fast as I can. 

  My husband is so loving in times like these. Okay, not really. We are horrible in crisis. He yells, "Get hold of yourself. Can you go back and get a picture of the deer?" What!!!! You would think he would know the answer. He was married to me when a bird hit my windshield years ago. I cried all day. 

  Anyway, he apologized and went to find the victim. The deer was lying on the side of the road and when we approached, it held up its head. As he got out and walked toward it, it pulled itself up and hobbled into the woods. No picture but there was plenty of evidence stuck to the car. Deer fur is lodged in my headlight. It looks as if we put eyelashes on the light. More fur is stuck in the wheel rim and dried up slobber is on the windshield and hood, not to mention the big dent on the front side. Sigh...

  Every night I have weird dreams about deer. Last night the deer turned into lions and chased us. I am sure I will get over it in a few days...I hope. I do not think I will be able to watch Bambi ever again and please, don't let me see vultures circling that area!

  The next shock I hesitate to write about but I have tried to make this a transparent blog. My hope was to paint a realistic picture of foster care and show the good, bad, and ugly of it but also that it is possible to do it even with the bad and ugly. You do not have to be a super mom (I'm not) or a perfect family (definitely miss this mark, too). It does help tremendously to seek God but even in that I cannot confess to be perfect, sometimes I wallow first or try to DIY it (worst idea ever!). The point is that foster parents are very needed. 

  In the midst of struggling with this child, we have tried many things. We talked the case worker's head off. We pushed to get more resources. We tried to be very involved and communicate our hopes. All of that rendered nothing but a frustrating meeting and more frustrated feelings on our part. We likened it to being asked to knock down a concrete wall with a plastic spork. Finally, my husband suggested that we try to being quieter and very general in our communication. This went on for over a week and our foster daughter was perking up but we knew she would. Then the change...

  One night when I was gone, my husband started to chit chat with her which led to him gently confronting some issues. Strangely, she responded by listening. No explosion, no stomping off to hide in her room. The next day she was very involved with whatever was going on, rarely going to her room and this has gone on for days. Then it happened...

  The other night I pull back the blankets to wearily crawl into bed and there is a note on my pillow. It is heavy and folded like brochure. Happy little swirls and flowers decorate it. She wrote many things but mostly that she wants to be part of our family. Taped inside, I find the rock she found earlier when we went to a plant nursery. It is a heart-shaped rock. I had told her that it is a custom to give heart-shaped rocks to the person you want to spend your life with in some Native American cultures. That was a brick to the head moment. 

  For months, it has seemed like our family was incompatible with this child. My beliefs, our routine, our activities, and even our help did not seem wanted. All the sudden, she not only wants to be in our home, she wants to be in our family. Complete shock. It sounds like a fairy tale.

 Here is the ugly side that I do wish vultures would eat away. Honestly, I am still struggling. The mental issues and the strange behaviors make me nervous because we really have no resources to turn to for help. In the beginning I thought she might be over-medicated, now I am afraid to see what would happen if the doctor said we could reduce the meds. So many unknown factors.

  The bad side of it is that I have read so many things from other people and there seems to be no balance. One side says that there is no hope and you should send them back if it is too much. The other side sways to an almost martyr type stance. You should give whatever it takes to help a child because it is all that matters. Something in between has to exist. 

  That there is no hope is a lie. With Christ, there is always hope and I do not want to decide someone's life based on my completely unreliable feelings. At the same time, there are some things that I do not think you sacrifice. First, my trust in Christ can never be in the equation because nothing will come out of me without it. Second, my marriage cannot be laid open for destruction nor will my other children's lives because they all belong to God and are not mine to lay at someone else's feet like a rug to trample on. 

  Here are a few things that are available for sacrifice: my own life, my comfort, my time, my possessions. In truth, those things do not belong to me either, but I have been given the responsibility for how they are used and I desire to have them used as He sees fit. God help me overcome the fear that has me frozen so that you will be glorified and out of all of this, she sees you. Give me a heart of flesh that You can mold.