Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Restfully Trusting

  Tummy time can wear a little soul out. The breath was a rhythmic sighing sound in my ear as I laid on the floor next to my Jellybean. He had been kicking his legs vigorously for about 10 minutes  as if he was sure he could swim on land. When he proceeded to not move one iota of an inch, he just went to sleep.

 I contemplated my options because it was, after all, a little late for a nap...but he had worked so hard...but I will have to stay up later to get him to go to sleep...but building muscles really is exhausting. Finally, I opted for moving him to his reclined seat so that he could get his next feed without refluxing. If he woke up, it was fine. If he slept, it was fine. Old age has taught me not to be so finicky about situations.

  Scooping up his tiny body, I could feel it was utterly relaxed and he would not be waking up.

  How blissful it must be to trust so much that you can sleep even while someone is moving you. You don't know what is being done with you and yet you continue to rest. To quote a line from my favorite scene in Napoleon Dynamite (I know this does nothing for my credibility so just give me some grace), "I want that!"

  I want that kind of faith in God so that no matter when or how He moves me, I completely rest. I want to lay flat out trusting in the midst of whatever turbulence is brought my way. The kind of faith and trust that Peter had when he defied all he knew about water and gravity and stepped out of the boat. He knew he could trust that Jesus had power above all creation.

  Don't get me wrong. What I want is not to be unemotional or uncaring like a zombified shell. It is a complete peace knowing that God is in control no matter the circumstances or outcome. Sure, tears will come in difficult situations but the moment does not imprint an immovable marker that becomes an idol for wallowing. My eyes should not be moved from my Lord. 

 I do so want that, especially in this season of battling isolation, differing doctors, and aversions to feeding and social settings. I do, I do, I doooooo!

 "In my distress I called upon the LORDto my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears." - Psalm 18:6

Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Puppetry in Life

  Some of you may know that one of my secret desires was to be Annie, which doesn't really make it a secret does it? Well, my top secret desire is still virtually unknown but I suppose I must reveal it to get to the idea that has been rolling around in my mind as of late since Jellybean and I watched Sesame Street the other day. 

  Long, long ago in a land not too far away was a girl who loved puppets. She spent hours making elaborate paper bag puppets with stories behind each character. There were no random puppets that were just dogs or just a girl. They had personalities and life before they were developed out of construction paper and odds and ends. Most of them were part of a circus. This girl especially loved the Muppets. She dreamed, even in high school, of working for Jim Henson and cried when he passed away a week before she officially graduated. 

 When she first started dating her boyfriend-turned-husband, he unknowingly but endearingly, called her a muppet and then began to call her Fozzie. And even though, this was her sister's favorite muppet and not hers, she knew she would spend her life with him because he had somehow tapped into her secret being. She was, after all, very awkwardly cartoon-ish in real life and someone would have to find that quality charming to live with her. That is one reason why she loved puppets. You could hide your real self while being anyone or anything and secretly it would be your real self. 

 It was easier than being Annie because one didn't have to look at the crowds of people or feel their judgment. Singing a wrong note or stammering while talking was what made puppets so easy to love and made people smile. Who doesn't love a puppet? 

 Now she is old and a slight wisdom has set in - of course, it has not done much for the awkward cartoon-ishness that still exists in her DNA. Although, she realizes that she is a lot more settled, content, and finds it somewhat easier to be who she is, but why? 

  She never became successful making puppets or being a puppeteer. She never worked for a puppet show. She didn't even make paper bag puppets any more. The one thing that is different is Jesus as her Lord. That difference gave her the Holy Spirit living inside her, guiding her, correcting her, and strengthening her. Kind of like being a puppet...yet, it makes her more of who she really is and more alive than she ever was at any time. 

 Or maybe the truth is that we are just puppets without Jesus??? However you choose to think of it, this girl will unashamedly proclaim that Jesus is the one who moves me and gives me my being and I pray that it shows.