How I wish I could have written some profound Christmas post trumpeting the glory of the Lord. How I wish I could have posted a blog that set people's feet on the path of righteousness prepared for the new year. I wish that I could tell you of the wonderful Christ-honoring things I have been doing since my last entry. Instead all I have is a soul-shaking diagnosis of myself...
I. Am. Nothing.
A lot has happened - 24 appointments, fundraiser, daughter's surgery, Jellybean ER visit, Christmas, daughter moved out, pig's daily escapades running away, lots of information I didn't want to know, exhaustion, sickness. You can toss in at least 3 times of throwing myself down and bawling to God.
The last crying episode I put myself in the position of saying that I trusted that God could do anything but I could not be happy and had no idea of how to accept where I was in this season. God did not let me stay there long and He disciplined me in the oddest way. Shuffling to my room, I went in the bathroom to get ready for bed and there it was and there it always sat - the daily flip calendar my grandmother had given us over a decade ago with a verse or writing from various Christians on each day. Strangely, my husband rarely neglects flipping it to the next day. On this particular evening it was just part of a verse and it made me realize that I had just told God that I was nothing.
" ...and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2b
Believing that God can change anything, do anything and is in total control of everything but not having love right where He has me does God no favors. As a matter of a fact, it almost seems to be thumbing my nose at Him. One might as well look to the heavens say "so what." God has no use for someone with that attitude. In a very small way it is like a baseball team full of players who just want to sit on the bench. Of course God can score home runs even without us but it makes us purposeless. We are neither hot nor cold. We are not producing light. We are not glorifying God, following Christ, or obeying. We are nothing.
That is not what I want. So, my new prayer is "How do I show love where I am even if God is being rejected?" That is tricky.
How can I expect those who do not follow Jesus to love Him if I cannot figure out how to show the love that should drive my faith which will produce love?
So I suppose this little piggy has said nothing, produced nothing, has nothing, and is nothing until I start having love even when a mountain needs to be moved.