Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Probably the Best Wallower...if anyone was keeping tabs

 Today is a hard day and see how fast it happened after just posting about small stuff and sweat. My world is feeling very small and wallowing is the natural posture that I tend to turn. Trying to work through my thoughts is probably a good idea because let's face it, feelings can just be manipulative liars. 

 So yesterday ended up being a terrible, horrible, rotten, cruddy, miserable fail after fail after fail. The feeding pump got disconnected early, early in the morning and fed the bed instead of the baby. I left behind important paperwork that I have to turn in for foster care at our first appointment of the morning which is a long drive, I squeezed in to the doctor to get jellybean's ear checked and have her listen to his congestion just to be sure we weren't getting worse then I was hit with the fact that our EEG appointment was supposed to be at that time and we missed it. I had worked so hard to get that appointment and I fouled it up. 

 Finally, we get home and about 30 minutes later, jellybean's g-tube is lying on the floor because it came out somehow, some way I do not know. That was a panicked drive to the ER to spend 7 hours getting it put back in and getting an x-ray to make sure it is in place and did not damage anything going back in. 

 Fail. Fail. Fail. It is a loaded bat that I proceeded to beat myself with as soon as I jumped out of bed after 3 hours of sleep to get jellybean ready for his therapy visit this morning (which he did an amazing job with considering all things). 

 I want so bad to keep this little guy out of the hospital and the emergency room and yet, it happens time after time after time. Caseworkers are quizzing me on why he has to go back so much or informing me that they have never had a child get so bad. 

 Yes, please add some more weight to the bat and help me aim it at my head. 

 "Please, LORD, please. Just let there be a time that this is going to let up and there will be one small piece of normal," I beg. (I hate the word "normal" by the way so you can see my desperation)

 The reality is that time might not come and maybe I will not be the person they keep little jellybean with but Jesus is God and getting that right trumps all my faults, flaws, foibles, and failures. There I can rest my faith and trust that His will cannot be thwarted not even a smidge by my failing or wallowing. And, the best part is that it's not about me any way. So ha! 

 Now can I make my mind listen and not go back to sweating everything? I don't know but I could be in the running for "best wallower." Let's see if it is possible to wallow and read Psalm 96 over and over and while I'm at it, I could probably check in on some dear friends who are going through serious trials and could use encouragement and prayer. Sounds like a much better plan. 

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