Home! Can I say it again? HOME! In one day shy of a week, we were discharged and I am amazed. The words to explain how unbelievable it is are beyond me. This time was so very traumatic. It was a night of terrible weather as ice was building up on everything and we had just finished prepping ourselves in case we lost power. We were settling in for a quiet night and just finished a snuggle session with the jellybean when we laid him in his swing. Ten minutes later, I am trying to convince the 911 dispatcher that I am in the county that I said I was and that the important detail was the baby we were holding who was in respiratory failure.
Respiratory failure. I see those words in his discharge notes and my heart aches. He was so small, his lips were purple. The slow ride in the ambulance through the ice was surreal. I remember talking and apologizing for things but mostly feeling anxious that we were not moving faster and that the paramedic was not doing much. The ER staff was much more attentive and I remember saying more words, more information, anything that I thought would help speed things up. I heard "respiratory failure." I heard him cry in my lap and I squeezed him tighter. Left lung bad. CO2 extremely high. Cyanotic. Tachypneic. Apneic. Words, words all around about the small baby in my arms. The room was full of words and people.
It does not seem real. Three and half days later in the ICU and this small baby was laughing and playing and I was praising God. Unreal, miraculous. We had some frustrations in it but looking back, they pale in comparison. Every morning we get a smile as bright as the sun and giggles that are just as warm. My mind is just now starting to process the whole event.
Coming home, I was anxious and I laid in bed, praying for faith to trust God and just to sleep and KNOW He was in control. It took me longer than jellybean's ICU stay to get myself on track but here I am. I am home and it is not just a place where I physically live, it is a spiritual place where my faith rests in God no matter what happens.