It is not happiness but maybe it is that strange joy spoken of in the Bible that I feel. It is there albeit tangled in a mix of other emotions, mostly sadness. We had to attend a CFTM, which if you don't know is basically a meeting of all the people involved in the care of a foster child. Granted, we had not seen ours in a week since her run and DCS only sees her once a month for 5 minutes, we were all there to discuss the child's best interest. Sort of ironic that one lady asks to be given a little briefing since she doesn't know the child.
The meeting was not what I imagined. Our foster daughter refused to participate or be in the room, which was what I imagined since she loathes meetings. She finally agreed to sit in another room and be on conference call. She adamantly refused to return to us when asked if she wanted to come back. She also adamantly refused to give a reason why. She did state that she wanted to change schools. In the end, a home was found in a different school zone and in a few months she will be the only child in that home, which is really ideal for her. She did agree to have contact with us. She did allow us to talk to her afterwards but she only stared in her usual zombie mode. We expressed our care for her, our wishes for her to succeed in school, and to see her. We apologized again that we could not do more.
It is completely logical that she could not handle coming back to us looking at her history. She would have to face the consequences of her choices and it overwhelmed her. She wanted a do-over - a new school and a new family. Maybe just maybe, she learned something about being in a family and being back in the community and with a new start, she will succeed. I think we will see her again and I think once we have sorted through all these emotions, we will foster another child...maybe a little younger but who knows.
Walking out into the warmth of a hazy day caught between summer and fall, I realized something. There is one thing I do know for certain, God changes the seasons and He has reasons why He does.