A Vow of No Pity

  Yes, I am vowing before God and all the internet to have no pity!

  No pity for homeless people. No pity for those struck by tragedy. No pity for my foster daughter. No pity for my own children. No pity for no one or no thing no how!

I pity the fool who shows pity!

  My reason is not that I am a heartless troll who does not care but that pity has no purpose. Let me explain before you go searching for where I live so you can string me up by my toes. 

  The definition of pity is just having a feeling of sympathy for someone or something. Now, ask yourself when has someone else's feelings ever accomplished a single fruitful thing? Pity only justifies our own thinking and reassures us that we are good people. Really?

  Pity pats a person on the back and  says, "So sorry you are where you are," then it walks away. The only thing left behind is a confirmation that things really are as bad as they seem. Christians can not EVER legitimately do this because Christ's sacrifice screams hope. And yet, so many times we pity and leave the broken with a license to continue wallowing. Personally, I do not need or want that.

Look at you stuck there. How did that happen? That is terrible.

   It is so very easy to pity but how does that help?

  Instead of pity, I vow to have compassion. The definition of compassion is the same as pity, "to have a feeling of sympathy," but with an important addition, "accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate suffering." It includes action. Compassion is work and sacrifice. Compassion loves a person where they are but is not willing to leave them there. Jesus practiced it all the time. Look at the woman caught in adultery in John 8:

¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ² Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. ¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

  Jesus did not pat her back and say, "Poor baby, this is awful." Pity is not a tool God uses. Jesus first removes those that were acting wickedly and then he helps her move into a life of hope. Jesus is the only one who can move a person from their bad choices into hope with just a few words but that does not remove our responsibility to show compassion. As believers who are not perfect, we must rely on God to work  through us, learn how to rightly present Truth to others, and commit time to the work. If we could walk up to a drug addict and just say, "Go and sin no more," we would glorify ourselves. We would learn nothing of the power and grace of God nor would we love that person. Christ can love immediately because He is God and we are his creations. We, on the other hand, are bent more towards judging and hating. Think about Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan. Sadly, the commitment is why most of us choose the easier road of pity. 

This is helping you, right? Because I certainly feel better

    This lesson hit me in the face after a meeting and our required training for foster care. The system that pulls children out of neglect and abuse has set itself up to foster pity for the children. In return the children are never learning how to overcome the challenges in their life. Foster parents are given a contradictory message, "Set rules and boundaries and be firm in enforcing them but they can't help their behavior." Basically, the system sees them as disabled. What I see is a disservice to the children.

  We went into the meeting as a family confused and frustrated as to how to help this child and were told that we were pushing too hard. When we tried to explain that all we want is to make sure she doesn't fail school and to be able to confront issues when they happen, they told us that we could do that. Ok, we thought the meeting was to learn how to do it. Our foster daughter has told us that she does not want our help and there is nothing we can do to her when she acts out. The only suggestion they gave us was to have each person talk at dinner about their day and say something nice about everyone at the table. Ummm, surface level talk is not a problem, that is all we do unless we want an explosion.

   As my husband and I mulled over the meeting and training, we came to the realization that we care for this girl, enough so that we want her to move forward and be able to function in society. We are not asking her to call us mom and dad or pushing her to tell us all about her past. When we met her, we saw a child who needed a chance to be a child and learn how to be an adult.The window of opportunity is small. She will be 18 in a little over a year.

  We resolve to tell her to take steps forward with us. We resolve to teach her to be responsible even if she hates us in the process.

  I will not tell her that her life is awful and go on my way because I know Hope and He died to give us the gift of new life. If He had only lived as a man to pity us, then we would truly be in a wretched state. Instead of miracles, Jesus would have traveled around giving out sad smiles and pats on the shoulder. He might have said, "God loves you, you poor, pitiful creature" and then returned to heaven burdened by our hopeless state. Praise Him that He showed compassion instead.

John 10:9-10
 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  

Foster Care Gets Respite, The Heart Gets a Different Break

  Have you ever sat down and wondered how far you could go if you did something in faith?

  No...me either. My inclinations are to shrink away and hide or jump blindly full speed into the abyss. The latter is usually my first choice unless it involves a large group of people, particularly if they are all adults. I have had to learn to reign in the leaping because I needed to consider my husband's thoughts first.

  Foster care is something we both agreed to step into but getting approved demands that you rehash the past over and over - verbally and on paper. Couple that with the fear of being rejected and it just makes an emotional mess for me. Good thing that is over, besides it is NOT about me which is what I told myself during each interview and stack of paperwork.

  So far, our experience with foster care has been for respite, which is temporary care of a foster child while a foster family takes care of something or gets some rest but it can also be a place to stay while a new placement home is found. 

  The children waiting for a new placement home are really sad because they are so scared. Each move is starting over again and it is unsure what you are getting when you move. Will it be a family with children? A single adult? A different school? A place with plenty of food? A safe place or not? It is even more sad to get a teenager who is pregnant and even more sad than that is a teenager who is pregnant and has an infant. This was our latest call and we said yes. At the moment, we are not supposed to get calls because we are in the process of getting a teenager from a group home and the counselor does not want anyone else in the home when she gets to us but, the phone rang and I answered. They assured me that it would be just for the week. Again, I was given the "talk" which includes any behavioral issues and the reasons why the child is having to move to a new home. The whole thing stirs up my insides because I feel so unprepared and inadequate but the car pulls up and the nerves dissolve when I see this child with child and holding a child. 

  The woman who washed Jesus' feet came to mind as we ventured out on errands. Luke 7:
"³⁶ One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. ³⁷ And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, ³⁸ and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. ³⁹ Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”

  We have had lots of stares since being a different color makes it obvious whose baby it is and it is very clear that she is about to have another any day. We also had an encounter with a rude sales lady that I tried to kill with kindness, a smile, and the face of the sweet baby. She was obviously disgusted by a pregnant teenage mother and would not crack, so I thought it best to continue on as if her rudeness was nothing to dwell on. 

  Jesus proved it - compassion is rooted in love and love is Christ. Again, another reminder to walk through situations NOT thinking of me but displaying Christ. So hard sometimes...

  Several days in and this young lady felt comfortable enough to share some challenges in her life right now. She knows that she has made some choices that were not wise and she knows that she many obstacles to overcome. No one needs to point out those things but someone does need to draw her near and point her in the direction of hope. Her story is made even more challenging as the system struggles to find a new placement home for her and the baby. I know we cannot keep her because we had our first meeting with our child from the group home and, if you can believe it, she is in more need than this young lady. Fortunately, this young mother can be re-unified with her family. She just has to keep working on her goals and make better choices so I pray that a good placement home opens up soon and her ears are open to the message of hope we share. For now, we are going out to purchase a duffel bag or some kind of suitcase to replace the garbage bags in which her stuff is packed. People are sinners but they are never trash.

  More on our child from the group home later...