Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Kinda Hurts Falling off the Face of the Earth

 It's been a while. I know. Bad blogger! I know. 

 So many things have happened, are happening. 

 Amidst all these things I find myself struggling. Even my dreams reflect the turmoil. The other night I dreamed that I was working in this place that was secluded from the world with only about 50 employees. I was new and they had rituals they developed over time together. Some of these things contradicted my Biblical beliefs but they pressured and prodded me to participate. The panic I had was real because I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling so anxious. 

 I find myself some days praying, "Don't let me be lost!" 

 Yeh...not a place to find yourself as a confessing Christian. I miss church a lot. Some days it just doesn't come together and even when it does, I feel like an outsider. My world is pretty much confined to my house and even there it is reduced to the downstairs and my bedroom and on a rare occasion some parts of the yard. Does it sound like I am complaining??? Hopefully not because I do not mean for it to but that is my reality. 

 God has definitely set me in a challenging place and it makes me contemplate how Paul handled imprisonment. Not that I am comparing my life to being in prison but just the isolation. He did not have a Bible with study notes and apps with Hebrew and Greek dictionaries or sermons accessible from all over the world at any time of the day. He was put into a culture that contradicted his beliefs and he was alone for the most part except for letters. Jesus was enough and sustained him. 

 My mind wants to be like that and it is discouraging when I realize that I am not like that at all. Then again, Paul did not have a home to manage, a husband to care for, dogs, chickens, a chinchilla and a pig plus a toddler with a list of issues that seems to grow and DCS constantly putting pressure on the situation. But then again, God knows all this and Jesus is still more than enough. 

 It ain't easy. Feeling like I have fallen off the face of the earth. Feeling like a stranger in a strange land even in my house  and just feeling feelings that are not always truthful and often sinful. It is just plain hard. 

 The normal-ness of my life is not the norm. An exotic, much-anticipated trip to the park the other day ended too soon with me in the parking lot trying to hide from my friend as she drove off so she would not see that I had vomit all down the front of my shirt and a hysterical toddler. 

 We go places and sometimes have to abandon the agenda because of a strong smell or smoke or loud noise. Most days I talk myself out of trying to leave the house at all.

 My mind is distracted most of the time which lends itself to its own kind of disasters. Recently, I clumsily bumped into racks of magazines and every one fell out of the rack so that it blocked the checkout aisles during a crowded time. I also got a speeding ticket not long ago because I didn't realize my speed or what was the speed limit. My brain had checked out and I was a zombie. 

 Somehow, some way I must find a way to glorify God, persevere, and grow even if I keep falling off the face of the earth. Maybe I'll also find time to write here. 

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