Trying to escape when you have a giant stroller loaded with a toddler and all his equipment is difficult. I did make it into the car before I cried all the way home. The message was a struggle.
"We are to live missionally and spread the Gospel."
A year and a half ago I probably would have amen'd that message all day but things are different. Things are not so simple. Opportunities to share the Gospel are very limited. The most time I get with people is therapist visits and a lot of that time is spent working before they have to rush to their next appointment.
All the way home after my escape, I snuffled and bawled to God that I was sorry to be so lacking in this area and, worst of all, to find myself in the terrible position of needing help and not being able to give any at all. Things have changed so drastically and I have to figure out how to adjust Biblically. But how?
For a bit I questioned why I rarely saw families with special needs children out and now I know. It takes effort and help and it is a BIG deal. Honestly, there have been a few days where I wallowed in self-pity. One really ugly day our very pregnant speech therapist showed up and asked how things were and a flood of embarrassing sobs ensued. In your mind as a Christian, you know that your hope is in Christ but exhaustion and emotions well up and there you are being a sniveling idiot.
God always hears and listens and answers. Always. Even after idiot moments. On the drive home, God's words came strongly into view, "Jacob have I loved..." That passage in Romans 9 is so comforting to me. Some may find it distressing because it conflicts with their idea of a loving God but to me, it is a beautiful picture of His love. My performance is not what makes God care for me. Jacob was not a man with a lot of loveable traits and he fought God yet God loved him and took the time to bless him. That is amazing!
Although my performance is not what makes God love me, what I do should reflect the work He has done in me. Soooo, how do I use this time of incapacity and need? Reflecting on my situation, I can see how families with special need children need ministering and I can start praying on how that can be accomplished. Maybe I will physically be able to do it one day or maybe I can do something behind the scenes. I don't know but prayer is a step out of the wallow pit.
Right now I can post things that are working for us. These are resources that might help someone else and open doors for more communication so if you find yourself here and a post on homemade blended formula for g-tube feeding or building a baby wheelchair is not your cup of tea, pass it on or just take a moment to pray for us and that God will use us right where we are at this moment.
God is very gracious in granting us ingenuity, compassion, and motivation when we seek it. He is also very good at turning mourning into joy so there I will rest even when I find myself puffy-eyed and feeling worthless and I hope that whatever your trial, you will too.