Monday, April 7, 2014

When You Can't Fix It

  Nothing is more dreadful than watching your child suffer and you cannot do anything to help. This is my reality having a daughter with Lyme/Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Most days I have learned to keep going, trusting God for each step. It has gotten easier since she is feeling somewhat better but there are days where the unknown drags in dark clouds and I cannot contain my anxiety. 

  The difficulty is compounded by the fact that we live in an area that is not very "lyme-friendly." What I mean by that is doctors do not like to diagnosis lyme, consider lyme, or want to hear you say the word "lyme." We do have a wonderful doctor that is over an hour away and I know you are probably tired of hearing me sing his praise but, come on, it is justified (you rock Dr C!!!). This means that if my daughter gets sick and we cannot get to Dr. C, we have to go to a lyme-unfriendly doctor and the experience is not pleasant. You have to wrestle with keeping quiet about the lyme or listening to the comments that make you feel like a psycho parent.

  The crazy symptoms of Lyme are enough to deal with day in and day out. Sometimes it is a roller coaster. Knee pain today, splitting headache yesterday. Sinking feeling and weakness on the weekend, burning feet and memory problems during the weekdays. Severe stomach issues at night, anxiety and crying spells all day. Don't forget to throw in the random rash and hormonal problems. To top it off, all I can do is say, "It's the Lyme, honey. We're working on it as best we can. Now take the nasty tasting drops and handfuls of pills." Even worse than that is knowing that sometimes I am sure she does not like me at all. All the mom-ness in me wants to fix it and make it go away but I can't. 
   I do the only things I can do. I research, read, and probe every avenue for answers. I make foods that are nutrient-dense and vitamin-packed by very carefully stuffing them with things like chia seeds, hemp seeds and avocados. I mean, you have to be careful because people get suspicious when the mashed potatoes are green.

  But, at the end of the day, when you have failed to fix the insomnia or you cannot stop the joint pain, a little bit of your heart crushes. Caregiver failure. I am not enough but there is hope.

  Lord, strengthen me. Uphold me so that I might overcome and be able to glorify you. Most of all, Lord, adjust me so that it is not my will but Yours.

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