Lately, I have had moments. The moments come and go fairly quick but they have surfaced too often. I would like to say that they are loving or kind or God-honoring moments. I would really like to say that but I cannot.
Shamelessly, I would love to blame it on sleep deprivation or stress or the feeding pump that I hate with a thousand hates. I would totally love to pass the buck onto something else but, shamefully, it is nothing more than the ugly depravity that was neatly hidden in my heart under good deeds and kind words and my awkward smile. The sleep deprivation did not put it there, it only exposed it. Kind of like when I am scurrying to clean the floor before the physical therapist comes early in the morning and I have forgotten.
Quickly, sweeping everything under the couch does not really clean the floor but it gives the appearance of "clean." Shhh...don't tell the therapist. Seriously, I think she knows because when you are on the floor, you can see under the couch but at least she can feel relieved that she is not sitting in it.
One of my moments was flaring up on a very rare outing to Wal-Mart. About halfway through my list, Jellybean was getting sleepy and he had just about enough of the sensory overload that is Wal-Mart. He was just gearing up with some intermittent flailing and yelling when the feeding pump decided to beep with a clog alert but it wasn't really clogged. This a new thing the pump has decided to do so that when Jellybean does decide to actually sleep, the pump makes sure I stay awake. Visions of crushing it in creative ways dance through my head all day and night.
So, here I am squatting in a claustrophobic aisle with tubing everywhere and a toddler who looks like he is experiencing whiplash over and over and the moment rises up as if someone has turned on a burner inside me. Everything starts to make me angry. The woman who has decided to linger in front of our basket. The man who is on his cell phone and supposed to be shopping with his son but instead is trying to covertly watch the crazy mom show. My mind is screaming, "I just want to shop at Wal-Mart like everyone else!"
Oh yes, yes, I was having a silent tantrum in my mind and stomping my mental feet and shaking my spirit fists at God like a spoiled brat not able to have her way. Even more daring than that, I was mad at God.
Now, I know that some dear, sweet Christian brothers and sisters have told me that this is okay because God can take it but this is not an area where I need kind encouragement. Being angry at God is sinful even though He can handle it. It is accusing God of unrighteousness, injustice, and attacking His holy character. Thankfully, this time the Holy Spirit called me out hastily when I had this moment. As soon as I felt it, I confessed that I did not want to feel those sinful feelings and asked God to forgive me and do a mighty work in my heart.
The Wal-Mart visit was so small in light of eternity. The temptation to never get out in the world is great when you have a child who has medical accessories and sensory issues but I am trying hard to resist having everything delivered to me by Amazon.
We have to be about the business of glorifying God out in the world sometimes. Jellybean has to learn what it means to love our neighbors and our enemies. Okay...and I need to be practicing those things, too.
Actually, if people will stop a moment in their busy schedule to stare then I have a door to share God, right? As much as I hate being out in front on display, we just naturally draw curious stares as people try to put the pieces together especially when we have to use the feeding pump, which is every 3 hours. Try as I might to be discreet, the obnoxious beeping always draws attention. My mind knows God is not punishing us with the feeding pump and that He can use it in many ways besides feeding, if I can just get over myself. Truthfully, a lot can be accomplished if I am obedient to put the flesh to death every day, ever hour, every moment.