20 - the number of ounces Jellybean was when he entered this world
28 - the number he lost from August to October this year
9 - the number he has gained the last week and a half
5.5 - how many he eats every 3 hours
4.5 - how many per hour his feeding pump runs
1 - how many he has been eating by mouth each day recently
These are numbers that make up almost every day of my life. Striving, I work to increase some and decrease others. The ounces are only in my control as far as what I can do and the rest I have to leave in God's hands.
That is a difficult thing some days but most days the struggle is my mind.
The gap between me and the world, what I used to do, what I could get done, the people I was connected to...would take enough ounces to fill the Grand Canyon.
At the same time, I love caring for Jellybean and seeing him overcome the obstacles in his life. I praise the Lord for the ounces he has gained, the fact that he can be moved around without freaking out anymore, how he can sit and play toys for a few minutes on his own. Every babble and finger point is a milestone celebrated. Even the tantrums are joyous. He has likes and dislikes and he wants to communicate them.
Maybe the struggle is in not knowing anything about the outcome. In raising children, you have hopes for their future. You educate them and they go off to college or get a job. You raise them up and they grow into adults and build lives of their own.
Fostering a child...the outcome is unsure and you cannot think that things might go one way or the other. You can work with the family to reunite them with their child. You can work to keep a child safe when reunification is not an option. You can work to do what is best for the child but you have no way to know what the end will be.
In one short moment a judge could make an 18 pound 3 ounce hole in my life and then what? A Grand Canyon to cross with a wounded heart.
This is where I have to give everything over to my Lord, Jesus. Surely, I know His foot has already crossed the gaps and His plans are better than any I can fathom. He knows much more of loss than I and He also knows the eternal joys that await His children. He poured out ounces and ounces of blood to make it possible for us to have eternity.
The only ounce required of me is the one of faith. May each moment of this life be steeped in faith. Praise to God Almighty.