Absconded Bees & Arrested Depression

 Running a small sort of farm type home is not always glamorous. Okay, it is never glamorous but I suppose one has romantic notions of a quiet little homestead with cheery chickens clucking happily along, delightful ducks waddling about as you harvest bountiful veggies from your quaint little garden. Where do those ideas come from? Probably flea market paintings. 

 The chickens usually peck my plants to death, squawk loudly, and bully chickens on the low end of the pecking order. The ducks have gone feral trying to protect their pond. I am sure the male duck was trying to drown the dog the other day. Yeh, this ain't no Pollyanna farm and wearing rubber boots ain't for fashion. We got zucchini by the truckloads though. 

 Sadly, our adventure in beekeeping has ended for this year. After the colony lost their first queen, I quickly ordered another but the colony was weak. They did accept the new queen but wild bees started robbing the hive. Two days after moving the hive, the wild bees started robbing it more aggressively, this time killing the new queen. Wasps even got in on the action. After a week, they had won. Without the queen, no honey, and very few workers it was doomed. The lesson we learned is start with more than one hive. Poor bees.

 Along the lines of failing, I have a confession that is ironic since it comes after a post about not complaining. It is completely unpleasant but I am going to confess it because some believers think no one else struggles like they do and they try to hide issues. So, just so you know, some of us are super foolish in our discouragement but there is always hope.

 On Sunday last week, I was depressed. Really depressed. On the verge of tears, I dressed for church then I prayed but not a good prayer mind you; a desperate, wallowing one. It felt like everything was failing...oh yes, I went there. I begged and specifically asked, "God, will you just take me out of this world?" Then I put on my fake I'm-okay-face and went to church. 

 During the hour of sitting in the pew, God answered me from the pulpit and I snuffled and sobbed the whole time. At the end, I quickly packed my stuff so as to slide out the door but a friend popped into the seat next to me. When she saw my face, which probably looked like a rendition of Tammy Faye, she said, "Oh...I'm sorry. You probably wanted to get out of here quick.That was a good sermon." Sigh. She had no idea.

  Ephesians 6:12-13 really did a number reminding me that this world is not all there is affecting us. We are to be set on the eternal, not the temporal. We are to be set in the armor of God and resisting the enemy. 

 Oh, thank you pastor for expositing those verses and bringing to my mind the knowledge that my struggle is not against people or things in this world. Thank you for imploring me to ask myself if the spiritual world is seeing the manifold wisdom of God. My depression ceased right there and the day was much more focused on exalting Christ. 

  May Ephesians 6:12-13 ground you if you are feeling hopeless:
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in highplaces. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

Let Those who are Free of Triflin' Cast the First Stone

 This has been an extra busy week. Working with kids that have strong personalities...ok, disrespect and anger issues is a great way to thoroughly examine if your faith matches your talk or vice versa. You will definitely be squeezed and whatever is in there will come out. A little particle of hidden depravity can be exposed in a matter of seconds.

 After being shushed by a 13 year old and correcting him, I was left with the comment that all the volunteers were trippin'. Later as they listened to the verses about Jesus praying in the garden, the kids exclaimed that the disciples were triflin' because they ran off when Jesus was arrested. Earlier they had made this same exclamation when they heard that the crowd wanted Jesus to be crucified. It is easy to pass judgment on the folks in the Bible but don't we miss the point when we do this?

 All of us are triflin' and trippin' because we do the very same things that the people in the Bible did. Granted we are not literally screaming for Jesus to be crucified but ultimately that is what we do whenever we make choices between honoring Him or honoring self, when we choose to follow Him or give in to the world. Our choices are just as guilty of yelling for Jesus' death as any words. We are called to put to death our flesh, our personal Barrabas, and yet, many times, we choose to silence Christ in our life instead. 

 We should take the Bible and use it as tool to examine ourselves instead of a practice arena for judgment because had it literally been us back in the times of Christ, we probably would have been just as triflin'.

An Answer Without Use of a Tongue

 Time is flying. Summer has accelerated and the moments that I imagined in the bleakness of winter are slipping past me faster than I can fully grasp them. The days are filled with herb books, note-taking, yardwork, and normal chores. 

 Foster care has been sparse but we are in contact with the foster daughter that left. It is surprising to hear from her and yet relieving that she is no longer on the run and in treatment. Her phone conversations are limited and so I write in hopes that I can minister to her. My knowledge of ministering is not a skill that garners attention or accolades nor do I wish it to but I do wish that it were smoother, wiser, and softer. Truly God chooses the foolish things...

 In life I have come  across people who have patiently listened as I shared my faith and those who set out to shut me up before I said a word. Other times, a debate arose and the urge to press my point, to win the argument spurred on my tongue but God has brought me to a different place. A vast expanse is before me and I can see for miles the very details of where I am. Though I have proclaimed the place, those around me say that I may think what I wish but they do not believe as I. To argue would be to claw at the Truth I proclaim therefore I take my tongue captive along with my thoughts. Here is the lesson I have learned in living with loved ones:

 It matters not if one says that they do not believe what I believe. This is not a point that I am to argue. One cannot truly proclaim that they do not believe in air yet use the very breath gained from it to speak the words. So what if someone says they do not believe what I do? For their words are meaningless when their actions show that they draw back to the one that they disagree with and that is why I dare not argue. Every moment I live I wish to expose the gloriousness of God and there is nothing within me that would attract someone in whom God is not doing a work. My position is plainly laid out and it is known that I cannot remove God from my being any more than I could remove my flesh nor am I worth interest without God. What I was before Him, I would be now - a pile of selfish anger balled up with  depression and neediness, rejected and despised. If you continue to seek me out, it is not me that you desire. 

 Yes, I agree that we cannot just "live out the Gospel." We must proclaim it but once you have set Truth before someone, like declaring a territory by staking your flag, you do not have to argue that the flag exists or what the flag means. The next logical step would be to live each moment before them in Spirit and Truth building upon the ground that is claimed. This does not mean that I do not pray or talk about God. I cannot help but do those things, it means that I trust God and the Holy Spirit to work without my interfering tongue; for what argument do I have that is better than God of creation taking on flesh to be the propitiation so that man may be restored to God? It is my desire to see that happen to all those that I love.

 Many flags are marched about today with screaming tongues underneath but a stand for Christ is better served with a cross and enduring in Truth. It is not a loosening of Truth or dressing it up or a shrinking away; it is a firm hold of victory that has yet to come in this earthly time. May we persevere in love but do not mistake what I am saying as an answer to every situation, especially not false teachers for that is a response of a completely different position and probably a much longer post. 

A Vow of No Pity

  Yes, I am vowing before God and all the internet to have no pity!

  No pity for homeless people. No pity for those struck by tragedy. No pity for my foster daughter. No pity for my own children. No pity for no one or no thing no how!

I pity the fool who shows pity!

  My reason is not that I am a heartless troll who does not care but that pity has no purpose. Let me explain before you go searching for where I live so you can string me up by my toes. 

  The definition of pity is just having a feeling of sympathy for someone or something. Now, ask yourself when has someone else's feelings ever accomplished a single fruitful thing? Pity only justifies our own thinking and reassures us that we are good people. Really?

  Pity pats a person on the back and  says, "So sorry you are where you are," then it walks away. The only thing left behind is a confirmation that things really are as bad as they seem. Christians can not EVER legitimately do this because Christ's sacrifice screams hope. And yet, so many times we pity and leave the broken with a license to continue wallowing. Personally, I do not need or want that.

Look at you stuck there. How did that happen? That is terrible.

   It is so very easy to pity but how does that help?

  Instead of pity, I vow to have compassion. The definition of compassion is the same as pity, "to have a feeling of sympathy," but with an important addition, "accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate suffering." It includes action. Compassion is work and sacrifice. Compassion loves a person where they are but is not willing to leave them there. Jesus practiced it all the time. Look at the woman caught in adultery in John 8:

¹ but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ² Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. ¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

  Jesus did not pat her back and say, "Poor baby, this is awful." Pity is not a tool God uses. Jesus first removes those that were acting wickedly and then he helps her move into a life of hope. Jesus is the only one who can move a person from their bad choices into hope with just a few words but that does not remove our responsibility to show compassion. As believers who are not perfect, we must rely on God to work  through us, learn how to rightly present Truth to others, and commit time to the work. If we could walk up to a drug addict and just say, "Go and sin no more," we would glorify ourselves. We would learn nothing of the power and grace of God nor would we love that person. Christ can love immediately because He is God and we are his creations. We, on the other hand, are bent more towards judging and hating. Think about Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan. Sadly, the commitment is why most of us choose the easier road of pity. 

This is helping you, right? Because I certainly feel better

    This lesson hit me in the face after a meeting and our required training for foster care. The system that pulls children out of neglect and abuse has set itself up to foster pity for the children. In return the children are never learning how to overcome the challenges in their life. Foster parents are given a contradictory message, "Set rules and boundaries and be firm in enforcing them but they can't help their behavior." Basically, the system sees them as disabled. What I see is a disservice to the children.

  We went into the meeting as a family confused and frustrated as to how to help this child and were told that we were pushing too hard. When we tried to explain that all we want is to make sure she doesn't fail school and to be able to confront issues when they happen, they told us that we could do that. Ok, we thought the meeting was to learn how to do it. Our foster daughter has told us that she does not want our help and there is nothing we can do to her when she acts out. The only suggestion they gave us was to have each person talk at dinner about their day and say something nice about everyone at the table. Ummm, surface level talk is not a problem, that is all we do unless we want an explosion.

   As my husband and I mulled over the meeting and training, we came to the realization that we care for this girl, enough so that we want her to move forward and be able to function in society. We are not asking her to call us mom and dad or pushing her to tell us all about her past. When we met her, we saw a child who needed a chance to be a child and learn how to be an adult.The window of opportunity is small. She will be 18 in a little over a year.

  We resolve to tell her to take steps forward with us. We resolve to teach her to be responsible even if she hates us in the process.

  I will not tell her that her life is awful and go on my way because I know Hope and He died to give us the gift of new life. If He had only lived as a man to pity us, then we would truly be in a wretched state. Instead of miracles, Jesus would have traveled around giving out sad smiles and pats on the shoulder. He might have said, "God loves you, you poor, pitiful creature" and then returned to heaven burdened by our hopeless state. Praise Him that He showed compassion instead.

John 10:9-10
 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  

And the Winner is...

  When your husband starts the morning by calling you "the mom of moms," just know that something is coming to knock you off the pedestal. 

   We were cruising along surviving the no grain, no dairy, no chicken, no fruit,  and at the end of it, I, being the amazing mom I am (haha), decided to give my daughter some nice strawberries sliced with banana with her grain-free waffle and nice healthy glass of green Naked juice. Sounds so nutritious and healthy. How much more awesome could I be? She was feeling sort of weird at lunch but by dinner, she was just pushing through and then she crashes pale and weak onto her bed. The next day she has eggs and a glass of Naked juice. She is not great but functioning until the afternoon. Long before dinner she is in bed curled in a ball. Today as I wait for the grain-free zucchini banana muffins to cool, I set out plates and glasses. Before I pour the juice the old noggin kicks on and I read the Naked juice label. Ya know, just to see how much wonderful nutrition I am giving my baby girl. Shock and horror! Wheat grass AND barley grass!!! Mom fail...

  I poisoned my child with green Naked juice. And the award for "Worst Mother" goes to...me!!!
Poor thing. She did forgive me.

  In the midst of all that our foster daughter decides to test the water with a good dose of rebellious defiance. She skips school and hides in the woods. Thank you T-Mobile for having a tracking feature available.

  Of course, she went on the attack when I found her. She reached in and gave my heart a nice rip but I stayed calm. Thank you Lord for giving me strength and wisdom. It was just a terrible day. So much pain exists in her heart over a mother who disappeared. "What is the point of existing if your own mother doesn't want you?" How deeply heartbreaking. Even moms who make mistakes and bad choices are wanted, needed, and loved by their children. We have to press on. I made my child sick, literally, and she still wants me around.

  We can never take back the past but we can ask forgiveness and work on the moment. Press on. Persevere. If you are reading this and you have made mistakes, hurt someone, and think you cannot go back, realize that you can grow by trusting God to move you through whatever it is in your life. Life from God is greater than our temporary failings. Our failings are not out of God's sovereignty and I have found that they actually can produce good. Sometimes they produce laughter, sometimes they produce a stronger bond, and sometimes they just open my eyes to something I needed to realize.

  So, you out there who lost your daughter because of some personal failing, she is at my house and she wants you to know that she is hurt but she thinks about you everyday. She wants to know you are okay and that you want her to be okay. More than anything she wants you to know that she would accept you because you are her mother.

  To all the moms who are fighting through failures and shortcomings, keep at it. Laugh through them, cry together through them, grow in love and trust in Christ. He has purpose for all things.

Psalm 119:169-176
"Let my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word! 
Let my plea come before you, deliver me according to your word. 
My lips will pour forth praise, for you teach me your statutes. 
My tongue will sing of your word, for all your commandments are right. 
 Let your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. 
 I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight.
Let my soul live and praise you, and let your rules help me. 
 I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."

The Reluctant Post

  So, yeh...um...I have pondered on posting this post. Glory to God is something of a high priority in my life but I have not mastered it at all. My struggles are embarrassingly numerous and some of them are even more embarrassingly shallow. Lately, I have felt quite alone and even in my faith, there has been a painful separated feeling. Nothing has been particularly awful or traumatic, it was just a slow buildup.

  
  I have put it in my mind to remember Psalm 3:3: "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." What more do I need? I wish I could say that my attitude revealed my trust in that Truth. Instead, I have found myself shedding tears, licking wounds, and harboring pain. (If you need a good cry but need a vehicle to camouflage it, try watching October Baby. No one will ask you any questions.) 

 

  So, after my eyes were dried out, I pondered on all the difficult situations in my life and as I did, God brought to mind Job so I read chapter 1 and the baseball bat of Truth hit me across the back of my head.

  A lot of people seem to focus on one of two things. Either they focus on what they perceive to be a terrible thing that God allowed to happen or they look solely at the fact that God doubled Job's blessings in the end. It hit me that neither of those schools of thought should be the focus. 

 Job was a man and he had lots of wealth and stuff. He had a family that he loved and he loved them enough that he wanted them to be right before God. Satan steps in and God offers to him the ability to test Job and the reason is not immediately clear. In one day, Job loses his children and possessions. And though he is heartbroken, Job does not stop in proclaiming that God is in charge. Satan turns it up a notch and takes his health. Add to Job's pain and suffering, a nagging wife and discouraging friends and surely, any of us can see that this man was in a terrible place. Job feels the despair, cries out, does some whining, and defending. Job and his friends all make claims on knowing God and what He is like or what He is doing but in the end, God steps in and this is what should be the focus. 

 God says, "Hey, stop it! You think you know me, you think you have wisdom? Well, ponder this..." God allowed suffering in Job's life and the purpose of it was not to be cruel or even to be able to reward him. It was to reveal more of Himself to Job. He challenges Job's beliefs and pushes him to examine himself and by chapter 42, Job is confessing what he now knows without a doubt about God. Then God corrects Job's friends. All the trial and suffering brought men to Truth. I am just guessing here but I bet that these men lived out their lives as men of stronger faith. That was more than enough. It was mercy and love combined but the fact that God restored Job and doubled it was inexplicably gracious. God is that way. 

  In my alone-ness, God is working and not only is He working but He is drawing me to Himself. What really do I have that I deserve? Thankfully, nothing because it would be anything but good. My constant mutiny is deserving of punishment and yet, I have many blessings and at the same time I learning more of who God is in Truth. So, as my daughter reminded me one day this past week: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..."

  So, that's one joy, two joys, three... :)

Foster Care Gets Respite, The Heart Gets a Different Break

  Have you ever sat down and wondered how far you could go if you did something in faith?

  No...me either. My inclinations are to shrink away and hide or jump blindly full speed into the abyss. The latter is usually my first choice unless it involves a large group of people, particularly if they are all adults. I have had to learn to reign in the leaping because I needed to consider my husband's thoughts first.

  Foster care is something we both agreed to step into but getting approved demands that you rehash the past over and over - verbally and on paper. Couple that with the fear of being rejected and it just makes an emotional mess for me. Good thing that is over, besides it is NOT about me which is what I told myself during each interview and stack of paperwork.

  So far, our experience with foster care has been for respite, which is temporary care of a foster child while a foster family takes care of something or gets some rest but it can also be a place to stay while a new placement home is found. 

  The children waiting for a new placement home are really sad because they are so scared. Each move is starting over again and it is unsure what you are getting when you move. Will it be a family with children? A single adult? A different school? A place with plenty of food? A safe place or not? It is even more sad to get a teenager who is pregnant and even more sad than that is a teenager who is pregnant and has an infant. This was our latest call and we said yes. At the moment, we are not supposed to get calls because we are in the process of getting a teenager from a group home and the counselor does not want anyone else in the home when she gets to us but, the phone rang and I answered. They assured me that it would be just for the week. Again, I was given the "talk" which includes any behavioral issues and the reasons why the child is having to move to a new home. The whole thing stirs up my insides because I feel so unprepared and inadequate but the car pulls up and the nerves dissolve when I see this child with child and holding a child. 

  The woman who washed Jesus' feet came to mind as we ventured out on errands. Luke 7:
"³⁶ One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. ³⁷ And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, ³⁸ and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. ³⁹ Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”

  We have had lots of stares since being a different color makes it obvious whose baby it is and it is very clear that she is about to have another any day. We also had an encounter with a rude sales lady that I tried to kill with kindness, a smile, and the face of the sweet baby. She was obviously disgusted by a pregnant teenage mother and would not crack, so I thought it best to continue on as if her rudeness was nothing to dwell on. 

  Jesus proved it - compassion is rooted in love and love is Christ. Again, another reminder to walk through situations NOT thinking of me but displaying Christ. So hard sometimes...

  Several days in and this young lady felt comfortable enough to share some challenges in her life right now. She knows that she has made some choices that were not wise and she knows that she many obstacles to overcome. No one needs to point out those things but someone does need to draw her near and point her in the direction of hope. Her story is made even more challenging as the system struggles to find a new placement home for her and the baby. I know we cannot keep her because we had our first meeting with our child from the group home and, if you can believe it, she is in more need than this young lady. Fortunately, this young mother can be re-unified with her family. She just has to keep working on her goals and make better choices so I pray that a good placement home opens up soon and her ears are open to the message of hope we share. For now, we are going out to purchase a duffel bag or some kind of suitcase to replace the garbage bags in which her stuff is packed. People are sinners but they are never trash.

  More on our child from the group home later...

Swine, Examine Thyself

  Look what the pig drug in!!!

  Adjusting to a child leaving the nest, a hospital stay, a move, and a new adventure have all passed under the bridge. You can either get buried under the burden of change or you break it open, look at it, and discover the joy. Re-evaluation of life is not only good, it is essential. The Bible commands it in 2 Corinthians 13:

 "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"

  And so, in the midst of putting together a new home and a new year of home school lesson plans for my only child at home, I did just that and I found that I had vision problems and heart trouble. It was not pleasant and brought me into low places. Log removal from my eyes and cleaning out layers of nastiness in my heart was necessary. For this new season of my life, I needed to grow in wisdom and not be so inclined to foolish wallowing in emotional mudpits. The path is already peppered with obstacles that require perseverance, which I am positive are in direct correlation with the areas that need sanctification and my response must match my faith. 

   How does this affect the blog? Well, the content will still contain helpful tips, recipes, home school tidbits, and a smidgeon of silliness but now I can add several new things. The first addition will be great photography because my daughter has blossomed into an amazing photographer. Next, the content will broaden to include information on foster care, dealing with the emptying of the nest, and venturing into farm life. 

  For now, grab yourself some concord grapes and make some grape fruit leather. One of my friends claims that it tastes like manna and since there is no way to dispute her claim, you will just have to see for yourself but, yes, it is worth the effort. 

  Concord Grape Fruit Leather

• 1 1/4 lb. concord grapes
• 1/2 c. sugar 
• 3 T. honey
• 1 T. fresh lemon juice

Preheat oven to 200.
Wash the grapes, then squeeze them out of their skins into a pot. (this quite fun, they pop right out). Put the skins in the blender and puree them. 

Cook insides about 20 min. over medium heat, stirring them occasionally, until seeds separate from inside. Put insides through a food mill or berry press to remove seeds and return to pot. Add in skins, sugar, honey, and lemon juice. You may want to taste this while cooking and adjust sugar if necessary. Cook about 35 min., stirring often, until very thick.

Put a layer of parchment paper in a jelly roll pan or half-sheet cake pan. Spread mixture evenly in a thin layer. Bake 3-4 hours until it is barely sticky. You can also dry this in a food dehydrator. When done, let it cool then cut into strips with parchment paper attached and roll up just like a fruit roll-up. Store in an airtight container.