Home! Can I say it again? HOME! In one day shy of a week, we were discharged and I am amazed. The words to explain how unbelievable it is are beyond me. This time was so very traumatic. It was a night of terrible weather as ice was building up on everything and we had just finished prepping ourselves in case we lost power. We were settling in for a quiet night and just finished a snuggle session with the jellybean when we laid him in his swing. Ten minutes later, I am trying to convince the 911 dispatcher that I am in the county that I said I was and that the important detail was the baby we were holding who was in respiratory failure.
Respiratory failure. I see those words in his discharge notes and my heart aches. He was so small, his lips were purple. The slow ride in the ambulance through the ice was surreal. I remember talking and apologizing for things but mostly feeling anxious that we were not moving faster and that the paramedic was not doing much. The ER staff was much more attentive and I remember saying more words, more information, anything that I thought would help speed things up. I heard "respiratory failure." I heard him cry in my lap and I squeezed him tighter. Left lung bad. CO2 extremely high. Cyanotic. Tachypneic. Apneic. Words, words all around about the small baby in my arms. The room was full of words and people.
It does not seem real. Three and half days later in the ICU and this small baby was laughing and playing and I was praising God. Unreal, miraculous. We had some frustrations in it but looking back, they pale in comparison. Every morning we get a smile as bright as the sun and giggles that are just as warm. My mind is just now starting to process the whole event.
Coming home, I was anxious and I laid in bed, praying for faith to trust God and just to sleep and KNOW He was in control. It took me longer than jellybean's ICU stay to get myself on track but here I am. I am home and it is not just a place where I physically live, it is a spiritual place where my faith rests in God no matter what happens.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Saturday, December 29, 2012
The Reluctant Post
So, yeh...um...I have pondered on posting this post. Glory to God is something of a high priority in my life but I have not mastered it at all. My struggles are embarrassingly numerous and some of them are even more embarrassingly shallow. Lately, I have felt quite alone and even in my faith, there has been a painful separated feeling. Nothing has been particularly awful or traumatic, it was just a slow buildup.
I have put it in my mind to remember Psalm 3:3: "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." What more do I need? I wish I could say that my attitude revealed my trust in that Truth. Instead, I have found myself shedding tears, licking wounds, and harboring pain. (If you need a good cry but need a vehicle to camouflage it, try watching October Baby. No one will ask you any questions.)
So, after my eyes were dried out, I pondered on all the difficult situations in my life and as I did, God brought to mind Job so I read chapter 1 and the baseball bat of Truth hit me across the back of my head.
A lot of people seem to focus on one of two things. Either they focus on what they perceive to be a terrible thing that God allowed to happen or they look solely at the fact that God doubled Job's blessings in the end. It hit me that neither of those schools of thought should be the focus.
Job was a man and he had lots of wealth and stuff. He had a family that he loved and he loved them enough that he wanted them to be right before God. Satan steps in and God offers to him the ability to test Job and the reason is not immediately clear. In one day, Job loses his children and possessions. And though he is heartbroken, Job does not stop in proclaiming that God is in charge. Satan turns it up a notch and takes his health. Add to Job's pain and suffering, a nagging wife and discouraging friends and surely, any of us can see that this man was in a terrible place. Job feels the despair, cries out, does some whining, and defending. Job and his friends all make claims on knowing God and what He is like or what He is doing but in the end, God steps in and this is what should be the focus.
God says, "Hey, stop it! You think you know me, you think you have wisdom? Well, ponder this..." God allowed suffering in Job's life and the purpose of it was not to be cruel or even to be able to reward him. It was to reveal more of Himself to Job. He challenges Job's beliefs and pushes him to examine himself and by chapter 42, Job is confessing what he now knows without a doubt about God. Then God corrects Job's friends. All the trial and suffering brought men to Truth. I am just guessing here but I bet that these men lived out their lives as men of stronger faith. That was more than enough. It was mercy and love combined but the fact that God restored Job and doubled it was inexplicably gracious. God is that way.
In my alone-ness, God is working and not only is He working but He is drawing me to Himself. What really do I have that I deserve? Thankfully, nothing because it would be anything but good. My constant mutiny is deserving of punishment and yet, I have many blessings and at the same time I learning more of who God is in Truth. So, as my daughter reminded me one day this past week: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..."
So, that's one joy, two joys, three... :)
I have put it in my mind to remember Psalm 3:3: "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." What more do I need? I wish I could say that my attitude revealed my trust in that Truth. Instead, I have found myself shedding tears, licking wounds, and harboring pain. (If you need a good cry but need a vehicle to camouflage it, try watching October Baby. No one will ask you any questions.)
A lot of people seem to focus on one of two things. Either they focus on what they perceive to be a terrible thing that God allowed to happen or they look solely at the fact that God doubled Job's blessings in the end. It hit me that neither of those schools of thought should be the focus.
Job was a man and he had lots of wealth and stuff. He had a family that he loved and he loved them enough that he wanted them to be right before God. Satan steps in and God offers to him the ability to test Job and the reason is not immediately clear. In one day, Job loses his children and possessions. And though he is heartbroken, Job does not stop in proclaiming that God is in charge. Satan turns it up a notch and takes his health. Add to Job's pain and suffering, a nagging wife and discouraging friends and surely, any of us can see that this man was in a terrible place. Job feels the despair, cries out, does some whining, and defending. Job and his friends all make claims on knowing God and what He is like or what He is doing but in the end, God steps in and this is what should be the focus.
God says, "Hey, stop it! You think you know me, you think you have wisdom? Well, ponder this..." God allowed suffering in Job's life and the purpose of it was not to be cruel or even to be able to reward him. It was to reveal more of Himself to Job. He challenges Job's beliefs and pushes him to examine himself and by chapter 42, Job is confessing what he now knows without a doubt about God. Then God corrects Job's friends. All the trial and suffering brought men to Truth. I am just guessing here but I bet that these men lived out their lives as men of stronger faith. That was more than enough. It was mercy and love combined but the fact that God restored Job and doubled it was inexplicably gracious. God is that way.
In my alone-ness, God is working and not only is He working but He is drawing me to Himself. What really do I have that I deserve? Thankfully, nothing because it would be anything but good. My constant mutiny is deserving of punishment and yet, I have many blessings and at the same time I learning more of who God is in Truth. So, as my daughter reminded me one day this past week: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..."
So, that's one joy, two joys, three... :)
Friday, October 19, 2012
Foster Care Gets Respite, The Heart Gets a Different Break
Have you ever sat down and wondered how far you could go if you did something in faith?
No...me either. My inclinations are to shrink away and hide or jump blindly full speed into the abyss. The latter is usually my first choice unless it involves a large group of people, particularly if they are all adults. I have had to learn to reign in the leaping because I needed to consider my husband's thoughts first.
Foster care is something we both agreed to step into but getting approved demands that you rehash the past over and over - verbally and on paper. Couple that with the fear of being rejected and it just makes an emotional mess for me. Good thing that is over, besides it is NOT about me which is what I told myself during each interview and stack of paperwork.
So far, our experience with foster care has been for respite, which is temporary care of a foster child while a foster family takes care of something or gets some rest but it can also be a place to stay while a new placement home is found.
The children waiting for a new placement home are really sad because they are so scared. Each move is starting over again and it is unsure what you are getting when you move. Will it be a family with children? A single adult? A different school? A place with plenty of food? A safe place or not? It is even more sad to get a teenager who is pregnant and even more sad than that is a teenager who is pregnant and has an infant. This was our latest call and we said yes. At the moment, we are not supposed to get calls because we are in the process of getting a teenager from a group home and the counselor does not want anyone else in the home when she gets to us but, the phone rang and I answered. They assured me that it would be just for the week. Again, I was given the "talk" which includes any behavioral issues and the reasons why the child is having to move to a new home. The whole thing stirs up my insides because I feel so unprepared and inadequate but the car pulls up and the nerves dissolve when I see this child with child and holding a child.
The woman who washed Jesus' feet came to mind as we ventured out on errands. Luke 7:
"36 One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”
We have had lots of stares since being a different color makes it obvious whose baby it is and it is very clear that she is about to have another any day. We also had an encounter with a rude sales lady that I tried to kill with kindness, a smile, and the face of the sweet baby. She was obviously disgusted by a pregnant teenage mother and would not crack, so I thought it best to continue on as if her rudeness was nothing to dwell on.
Jesus proved it - compassion is rooted in love and love is Christ. Again, another reminder to walk through situations NOT thinking of me but displaying Christ. So hard sometimes...
Several days in and this young lady felt comfortable enough to share some challenges in her life right now. She knows that she has made some choices that were not wise and she knows that she many obstacles to overcome. No one needs to point out those things but someone does need to draw her near and point her in the direction of hope. Her story is made even more challenging as the system struggles to find a new placement home for her and the baby. I know we cannot keep her because we had our first meeting with our child from the group home and, if you can believe it, she is in more need than this young lady. Fortunately, this young mother can be re-unified with her family. She just has to keep working on her goals and make better choices so I pray that a good placement home opens up soon and her ears are open to the message of hope we share. For now, we are going out to purchase a duffel bag or some kind of suitcase to replace the garbage bags in which her stuff is packed. People are sinners but they are never trash.
More on our child from the group home later...
No...me either. My inclinations are to shrink away and hide or jump blindly full speed into the abyss. The latter is usually my first choice unless it involves a large group of people, particularly if they are all adults. I have had to learn to reign in the leaping because I needed to consider my husband's thoughts first.
Foster care is something we both agreed to step into but getting approved demands that you rehash the past over and over - verbally and on paper. Couple that with the fear of being rejected and it just makes an emotional mess for me. Good thing that is over, besides it is NOT about me which is what I told myself during each interview and stack of paperwork.
So far, our experience with foster care has been for respite, which is temporary care of a foster child while a foster family takes care of something or gets some rest but it can also be a place to stay while a new placement home is found.
The children waiting for a new placement home are really sad because they are so scared. Each move is starting over again and it is unsure what you are getting when you move. Will it be a family with children? A single adult? A different school? A place with plenty of food? A safe place or not? It is even more sad to get a teenager who is pregnant and even more sad than that is a teenager who is pregnant and has an infant. This was our latest call and we said yes. At the moment, we are not supposed to get calls because we are in the process of getting a teenager from a group home and the counselor does not want anyone else in the home when she gets to us but, the phone rang and I answered. They assured me that it would be just for the week. Again, I was given the "talk" which includes any behavioral issues and the reasons why the child is having to move to a new home. The whole thing stirs up my insides because I feel so unprepared and inadequate but the car pulls up and the nerves dissolve when I see this child with child and holding a child.
The woman who washed Jesus' feet came to mind as we ventured out on errands. Luke 7:
"36 One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”
We have had lots of stares since being a different color makes it obvious whose baby it is and it is very clear that she is about to have another any day. We also had an encounter with a rude sales lady that I tried to kill with kindness, a smile, and the face of the sweet baby. She was obviously disgusted by a pregnant teenage mother and would not crack, so I thought it best to continue on as if her rudeness was nothing to dwell on.
Jesus proved it - compassion is rooted in love and love is Christ. Again, another reminder to walk through situations NOT thinking of me but displaying Christ. So hard sometimes...
Several days in and this young lady felt comfortable enough to share some challenges in her life right now. She knows that she has made some choices that were not wise and she knows that she many obstacles to overcome. No one needs to point out those things but someone does need to draw her near and point her in the direction of hope. Her story is made even more challenging as the system struggles to find a new placement home for her and the baby. I know we cannot keep her because we had our first meeting with our child from the group home and, if you can believe it, she is in more need than this young lady. Fortunately, this young mother can be re-unified with her family. She just has to keep working on her goals and make better choices so I pray that a good placement home opens up soon and her ears are open to the message of hope we share. For now, we are going out to purchase a duffel bag or some kind of suitcase to replace the garbage bags in which her stuff is packed. People are sinners but they are never trash.
More on our child from the group home later...
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