Nothing is more dreadful than watching your child suffer and you cannot do anything to help. This is my reality having a daughter with Lyme/Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Most days I have learned to keep going, trusting God for each step. It has gotten easier since she is feeling somewhat better but there are days where the unknown drags in dark clouds and I cannot contain my anxiety.
The difficulty is compounded by the fact that we live in an area that is not very "lyme-friendly." What I mean by that is doctors do not like to diagnosis lyme, consider lyme, or want to hear you say the word "lyme." We do have a wonderful doctor that is over an hour away and I know you are probably tired of hearing me sing his praise but, come on, it is justified (you rock Dr C!!!). This means that if my daughter gets sick and we cannot get to Dr. C, we have to go to a lyme-unfriendly doctor and the experience is not pleasant. You have to wrestle with keeping quiet about the lyme or listening to the comments that make you feel like a psycho parent.
The crazy symptoms of Lyme are enough to deal with day in and day out. Sometimes it is a roller coaster. Knee pain today, splitting headache yesterday. Sinking feeling and weakness on the weekend, burning feet and memory problems during the weekdays. Severe stomach issues at night, anxiety and crying spells all day. Don't forget to throw in the random rash and hormonal problems. To top it off, all I can do is say, "It's the Lyme, honey. We're working on it as best we can. Now take the nasty tasting drops and handfuls of pills." Even worse than that is knowing that sometimes I am sure she does not like me at all. All the mom-ness in me wants to fix it and make it go away but I can't.
I do the only things I can do. I research, read, and probe every avenue for answers. I make foods that are nutrient-dense and vitamin-packed by very carefully stuffing them with things like chia seeds, hemp seeds and avocados. I mean, you have to be careful because people get suspicious when the mashed potatoes are green.
But, at the end of the day, when you have failed to fix the insomnia or you cannot stop the joint pain, a little bit of your heart crushes. Caregiver failure. I am not enough but there is hope.
Lord, strengthen me. Uphold me so that I might overcome and be able to glorify you. Most of all, Lord, adjust me so that it is not my will but Yours.
Once again I have found myself without a moment to spare. I walk past my computer to get to the bathroom and that is the most action it has seen in the past few weeks. This always creates the dilemma of swamped e-mail, which creates computer avoidance...it's just a vicious cycle.
Someone was so kind as to dump 3 roosters at the end of our road. We did not know that all 3 were roosters. If we had we might not have trotted down the road in 30 degree weather at almost 10 p.m. with the wagon to rescue them from the woods. At 4:50 a.m. I was praying that something would eat the crowing trio.
They roamed my yard that day as we set out to find them a better home. We returned home from running errands to find that the neighbor's dog and had taken care of 2 of them. Unsuccessfully, we tried to find the last one that night so we could cage him up. The next day he was back to roaming the yard. Sadly, he pressed his luck and roosted in a hiding place in the woods again and something else found him for dinner. I retire from rooster rescuing.
This week has me pondering about Daniel and how as a very young man he ended up in a foreign land in captivity. He must have been respectful and likeable because he convinces the guard to let him eat a special diet. His concern was obedience to God. Oh, how I respond when I get into little binds. It is nothing like this godly young man. Do I make friends of those who are set against me? Do I maintain an attitude that is looking for an open door to please my God? I am an infernal wretch with a terribly depraved heart. Instead of seeking ways to do what God desires, I spend a lot of time seeking forgiveness for all I did that was not pleasing.
Our foster daughter has tested and tried me and I finally broke. The weight of bearing up under her relentless pushing, drove me face down on the carpet crying to God (which by the way is the best place for me to be). She is hurt and wounded and I am the target for it right now. Those around me have said that it is because she cares for me. I'm still processing that. My main concern is that I do not cause damage and that she is in a place for her to grow. Would it be that I could be like Daniel in this situation! God is working on that. If you foster and you find yourself bearing the brunt of a child's years of hurt from abuse and neglect, hang in there. Keep focused on the "why" and not the "what" or "who" of the lashing out. Cry if you need to. The counselor has told us to just focus on providing general care - food, shelter, clothing. That has helped us. We have a lot of issues to deal with including some terrible, vile internet things but we are just keeping the wifi on lockdown until we can work towards those things. God is walking us one step at a time down this road.
So, I don't have my own recipe to share but here are some links that are AWESOME!
First, grain-free cheesecake brownies that are delicious! I used xylitol in place of the palm sugar and Tofutti cream cheese instead of real cream cheese.
http://www.foodrenegade.com/grain-freecheesecake-swirl-brownies/
Next, is a site that I am loving for all things grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free. Check it out:
http://cassidyscraveablecreations.com/
Enjoy and I hope that you are being Daniels wherever God has you!
