I am Clean

 As I was sitting here watching the traffic flow and the world pass by eight stories below our hospital room, I tell myself that this is not really my baby but my mind and heart do not believe it. Yet, I cannot even sign for him to be treated when we go to the ER and I cannot take a trip with him out of the state without approval and a letter stating that I have that approval. 

 Sometimes our hearts do not quite grasp the world's rules and sometimes they grasp them all too well. In the hospital, I experience both sides. To my heart, this is my child fighting to just breathe and I ache for him. The other side of me, struggles with the world telling me that I should not have to deal with all the drama that comes with having someone else's child. The world tells me that I deserve to have things my way and my heart likes that confirmation.

 The Spirit, on the other hand, lets the heart know that it needs to adjust to Truth in spite of what I feel or what the world affirms. So the battle rages everyday to slay the flesh. Yep, I am one of those people - one of those people who are not perfect unless you count perfectly depraved, one of those people who struggles to stay the course, one of those people who wrestles with faith, one of those people who finds themselves falling flat but realizing that it is a good position to seek repentance.

 Why does God lovingly hear and care even for the smallest detail of such a silly woman's life?  

 I justly deserve wrath for sin but instead God gave me a shower. Maybe that does not seem like a  big deal but, you see, I prayed for one. The situation I am in made it impossible to even take a shower. It is such a trying situation and I was not being very Christlike but I prayed for God to give me the power to honor Him and to just let me have a shower. He answered and not only did my attitude change, He gave me a shower yesterday and today. Today was extra sweet because the volunteer who showed up to sit with jellybean was a sister in Christ and I almost wept when she was so joyful in being able to give me a few minutes to just clean up. Okay, I did weep but only in the shower because it was the perfect camouflage. 

 How come God cares enough to give such a prideful, selfish sinner a moment of respite, of refreshing? 

 I am one of those people who believes it is because He predestined it to be so, Christ made it possible for Him to offer us grace instead of punishment and His Word tells us that and it can be completely trusted.