God Changes the Seasons

  It is not happiness but maybe it is that strange joy spoken of in the Bible that I feel. It is there albeit tangled in a mix of other emotions, mostly sadness. We had to attend a CFTM, which if you don't know is basically a meeting of all the people involved in the care of a foster child. Granted, we had not seen ours in a week since her run and DCS only sees her once a month for 5 minutes, we were all there to discuss the child's best interest. Sort of ironic that one lady asks to be given a little briefing since she doesn't know the child.

  The meeting was not what I imagined. Our foster daughter refused to participate or be in the room, which was what I imagined since she loathes meetings. She finally agreed to sit in another room and be on conference call. She adamantly refused to return to us when asked if she wanted to come back. She also adamantly refused to give a reason why. She did state that she wanted to change schools. In the end, a home was found in a different school zone and in a few months she will be the only child in that home, which is really ideal for her. She did agree to have contact with us. She did allow us to talk to her afterwards but she only stared in her usual zombie mode. We expressed our care for her, our wishes for her to succeed in school, and to see her. We apologized again that we could not do more.

  It is completely logical that she could not handle coming back to us looking at her history. She would have to face the consequences of her choices and it overwhelmed her. She wanted a do-over - a new school and a new family. Maybe just maybe, she learned something about being in a family and being back in the community and with a new start, she will succeed. I think we will see her again and I think once we have sorted through all these emotions, we will foster another child...maybe a little younger but who knows.

  Walking out into the warmth of a hazy day caught between summer and fall, I realized something. There is one thing I do know for certain, God changes the seasons and He has reasons why He does. 

I'm Gonna Sleep That Pain Right Outta My Head

  We are no closer to a resolution in our situation. As soon as we feel like it is clear which course we should take, we halt in our steps doubting. Our foster daughter has been in respite for 6 days. Yes, the dynamic in our house feels settled and like a home again but there are those moments when you walk past her room and realize she does not have this comfort. The moments lead to thoughts of how terribly sad and traumatizing her life is and may always be. Those moments do lend you some relief because it reminds you that you can not do anything more than you did before to help her. It is selfish to want an easy answer.

  I pressed. I pressed to find out what was said at the meeting the counselor had with her. The counselor was reluctant so I kept pressing as if the information  was the solution but it wasn't. The refusal to come back here was stated right out of the gate but later it changed to not caring where she ended up. The counselor presses back, "We are not sure where she will go yet so if she does not come back to you, I may have to come get a few things but not everything." It is selfish to wish this did not hurt.

  We stayed up one night playing out what it might be like to have her back and we could see no way that things would change except that we would be more resigned to her getting help and not losing control in our  own home (we were not sure we could uphold this part).

  Sometimes I think about what she is possibly doing at that moment. Is she talking to the respite family? Is she holding all the anger in pretending that she has no problems or are they seeing the explosions? Did we wound her? It is selfish to want an answer. 

  If we bring her back, we risk everything that was crumbling before she left - our marriage, our family. If we do not bring her back, we risk adding to the years of wounds in a child's life. If we do bring her back, there is no guarantee that she would not be wounded anyway and in a year she would likely disappear after she aged out. If we do not bring her back, she will possibly disappear anyway when she ages out. But, what if she ends up in a home that is a better fit? But, what if she ends up in a home that is worse? 

  This is why I am sleeping most of the day away everyday. The only solution I have so far...

When Life Gives You Lyme...

  The routine of my days keeps me mechanically on schedule: make breakfast, get meds ready, care for animals, drive to school, make bed, clean floors, do laundry, clean kitchen, drive to school, get meds ready, care for animals, start dinner, clean kitchen, make lunches, get meds ready, go to bed. Rinse and repeat the next day. Somewhere in between all that I am jerked into awareness by life. Sometimes it is something wonderful, beautiful, or humorous. Sometimes it is something sad, frustrating, or difficult.This is definitely not the way God would have me to serve Him. 

  I am not teaching so I have not studied His Word much at all lately. Definitely not good. I did visit a new church. And, although it was nice to sing sound worship songs and hear Scripture taught, it was awkward...oh, did I mention that I absolutely struggle with making new connections???? 

  So, yes, I am weak. Yes, I struggle. In my mind, I think that I could be the worst follower of Christ ever but Truth lovingly reminds me that in Christ, I have all of His righteousness and that is comforting. It is also something I do not need to take for granted.
 
  Encouragement has come in many forms lately - Scripture, preaching, friends, prayer, sweet little blessings of life. All things that remind one that God is never out of control or far away. All things that strengthen one's faith and push one on in life. 

  All things that came at the right time because one more challenge was coming.

  Last night as I was in making lunch mode, my son texts me to say that tomorrow is the day that he wants to take his dog to the vet to have her put to sleep because she has gotten worse. This is not something he wants to do alone and he wants me to help him. I love this dog because I know God sent her to help keep him on track and be more responsible. This dog has helped me to sleep at night. Now she is teaching him new lessons that are difficult but very important. She has brought him to us and in this time, I can minister to him. 

  As I collect myself to take this on, my daughter comes home from her new job. It has been nice to see her able to get out and function but last night was not an example of this new found ability. One look at her face and I knew that it was the Lyme. All color was gone and there was a zombified look in her eyes. Tears started to stream out when she saw me. She had held it in until she got home.

  The herx reactions from treatment are farther apart now but when they hit, they are strong. It seems that her vision is more affected now. Her low back has intense pain. She has had a weird pale yellow bruise looking mark on her lower spine for months and now there is another one, bigger above the old one. She had to take something to be able to fall asleep.

  The search is on for a Lyme-literate eye doctor because anyone else will just roll their eyes when I say that she has Lyme and it is probably affecting her eyes. I have not decided which is harder - watching your child suffer and being helpless or dealing with doctors who  think you are crazy. I have decided that I will continue on because I know God is using all this for His purpose.