Tummy time can wear a little soul out. The breath was a rhythmic sighing sound in my ear as I laid on the floor next to my Jellybean. He had been kicking his legs vigorously for about 10 minutes as if he was sure he could swim on land. When he proceeded to not move one iota of an inch, he just went to sleep.
I contemplated my options because it was, after all, a little late for a nap...but he had worked so hard...but I will have to stay up later to get him to go to sleep...but building muscles really is exhausting. Finally, I opted for moving him to his reclined seat so that he could get his next feed without refluxing. If he woke up, it was fine. If he slept, it was fine. Old age has taught me not to be so finicky about situations.
Scooping up his tiny body, I could feel it was utterly relaxed and he would not be waking up.
How blissful it must be to trust so much that you can sleep even while someone is moving you. You don't know what is being done with you and yet you continue to rest. To quote a line from my favorite scene in Napoleon Dynamite (I know this does nothing for my credibility so just give me some grace), "I want that!"
I want that kind of faith in God so that no matter when or how He moves me, I completely rest. I want to lay flat out trusting in the midst of whatever turbulence is brought my way. The kind of faith and trust that Peter had when he defied all he knew about water and gravity and stepped out of the boat. He knew he could trust that Jesus had power above all creation.
Don't get me wrong. What I want is not to be unemotional or uncaring like a zombified shell. It is a complete peace knowing that God is in control no matter the circumstances or outcome. Sure, tears will come in difficult situations but the moment does not imprint an immovable marker that becomes an idol for wallowing. My eyes should not be moved from my Lord.
I do so want that, especially in this season of battling isolation, differing doctors, and aversions to feeding and social settings. I do, I do, I doooooo!
"In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears." - Psalm 18:6
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The Puppetry in Life
Some of you may know that one of my secret desires was to be Annie, which doesn't really make it a secret does it? Well, my top secret desire is still virtually unknown but I suppose I must reveal it to get to the idea that has been rolling around in my mind as of late since Jellybean and I watched Sesame Street the other day.
Long, long ago in a land not too far away was a girl who loved puppets. She spent hours making elaborate paper bag puppets with stories behind each character. There were no random puppets that were just dogs or just a girl. They had personalities and life before they were developed out of construction paper and odds and ends. Most of them were part of a circus. This girl especially loved the Muppets. She dreamed, even in high school, of working for Jim Henson and cried when he passed away a week before she officially graduated.
When she first started dating her boyfriend-turned-husband, he unknowingly but endearingly, called her a muppet and then began to call her Fozzie. And even though, this was her sister's favorite muppet and not hers, she knew she would spend her life with him because he had somehow tapped into her secret being. She was, after all, very awkwardly cartoon-ish in real life and someone would have to find that quality charming to live with her. That is one reason why she loved puppets. You could hide your real self while being anyone or anything and secretly it would be your real self.
It was easier than being Annie because one didn't have to look at the crowds of people or feel their judgment. Singing a wrong note or stammering while talking was what made puppets so easy to love and made people smile. Who doesn't love a puppet?
Now she is old and a slight wisdom has set in - of course, it has not done much for the awkward cartoon-ishness that still exists in her DNA. Although, she realizes that she is a lot more settled, content, and finds it somewhat easier to be who she is, but why?
She never became successful making puppets or being a puppeteer. She never worked for a puppet show. She didn't even make paper bag puppets any more. The one thing that is different is Jesus as her Lord. That difference gave her the Holy Spirit living inside her, guiding her, correcting her, and strengthening her. Kind of like being a puppet...yet, it makes her more of who she really is and more alive than she ever was at any time.
Or maybe the truth is that we are just puppets without Jesus??? However you choose to think of it, this girl will unashamedly proclaim that Jesus is the one who moves me and gives me my being and I pray that it shows.
Long, long ago in a land not too far away was a girl who loved puppets. She spent hours making elaborate paper bag puppets with stories behind each character. There were no random puppets that were just dogs or just a girl. They had personalities and life before they were developed out of construction paper and odds and ends. Most of them were part of a circus. This girl especially loved the Muppets. She dreamed, even in high school, of working for Jim Henson and cried when he passed away a week before she officially graduated.
When she first started dating her boyfriend-turned-husband, he unknowingly but endearingly, called her a muppet and then began to call her Fozzie. And even though, this was her sister's favorite muppet and not hers, she knew she would spend her life with him because he had somehow tapped into her secret being. She was, after all, very awkwardly cartoon-ish in real life and someone would have to find that quality charming to live with her. That is one reason why she loved puppets. You could hide your real self while being anyone or anything and secretly it would be your real self.
It was easier than being Annie because one didn't have to look at the crowds of people or feel their judgment. Singing a wrong note or stammering while talking was what made puppets so easy to love and made people smile. Who doesn't love a puppet?
Now she is old and a slight wisdom has set in - of course, it has not done much for the awkward cartoon-ishness that still exists in her DNA. Although, she realizes that she is a lot more settled, content, and finds it somewhat easier to be who she is, but why?
She never became successful making puppets or being a puppeteer. She never worked for a puppet show. She didn't even make paper bag puppets any more. The one thing that is different is Jesus as her Lord. That difference gave her the Holy Spirit living inside her, guiding her, correcting her, and strengthening her. Kind of like being a puppet...yet, it makes her more of who she really is and more alive than she ever was at any time.
Or maybe the truth is that we are just puppets without Jesus??? However you choose to think of it, this girl will unashamedly proclaim that Jesus is the one who moves me and gives me my being and I pray that it shows.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
What's in a Name? It Makes Things Worse...Right?
My hackles were slightly raised, as yet another person referred to my jellybean as a girl but this time it went further. Sure his name could be for a girl and, yes, he does have beautiful eyelashes but he is dressed like a boy. True, his button-down shirt is plaid with pink in it but it is still boyish. These experiences are so common that I normally just let it pass but when a person continues on and on and gets in his face telling him "what a beautiful girl" he is, it is wearisome so I gently corrected her. She was defensive about it and accusingly said, "Well, his shirt has pink in it." Ah, not a battle with eternal value but why did she get so upset when I called it like it was????
At our appointment that day, the neurologist gave me some encouraging news. Jellybean is not completely missing his right cerebellum as I was previously told. He is just missing a small part of the right side and otherwise, his brain looks good. Then he said more. Just one more thing. "There's not much more I can do but you need to be followed by the Cerebral Palsy clinic from now on." The words hit my ears and sunk in like a lead pellet, a slow, heavy sinking into my mind. Of course, I should not be surprised. Cerebral Palsy is common in premature babies, especially ones with brain trauma. Why did it seem worse now with a name?
Think of it in terms of sin. Don't we like to cover sin up by disguising it and hiding its name. A lie is just merely kidding around or joking. Lust is just doing what makes us happy or satisfying our appetite. Pride is strong-willed or confidence. It is easier to swallow and keep repeating if does not sound like sin.
The truth is that giving sin a nickname does not change the fact that it is an offense to holy God. One day we shall stand face to face with the Lord of all and there will be no way to diminish what is really there.
Knowing what you are dealing with does not actually make it worse; it just opens the door to more specific prayer, more resources, more ways others can come alongside you, more awareness of what God will see you through. God sees the sin in its ugly reality and its ugly effects and He still was willing to offer the ultimate sacrifice to redeem us. So call it what it is, face things as they really are, then live to glorify God.
Recently, I revisited a wonderful blog I follow and found verses from Ezekiel that I think speak more than adequately to this topic:
Ezekiel 16:2-8 “Son of man, cause Jerusalem to know her abominations, and say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD to Jerusalem: “Your birth and your nativity are from the land of Canaan; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite.As for your nativity, on the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed in water to cleanse you; you were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths.No eye pitied you, to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you; but you were thrown out into the open field, when you yourself were loathed on the day you were born.And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD.
At our appointment that day, the neurologist gave me some encouraging news. Jellybean is not completely missing his right cerebellum as I was previously told. He is just missing a small part of the right side and otherwise, his brain looks good. Then he said more. Just one more thing. "There's not much more I can do but you need to be followed by the Cerebral Palsy clinic from now on." The words hit my ears and sunk in like a lead pellet, a slow, heavy sinking into my mind. Of course, I should not be surprised. Cerebral Palsy is common in premature babies, especially ones with brain trauma. Why did it seem worse now with a name?
Think of it in terms of sin. Don't we like to cover sin up by disguising it and hiding its name. A lie is just merely kidding around or joking. Lust is just doing what makes us happy or satisfying our appetite. Pride is strong-willed or confidence. It is easier to swallow and keep repeating if does not sound like sin.
The truth is that giving sin a nickname does not change the fact that it is an offense to holy God. One day we shall stand face to face with the Lord of all and there will be no way to diminish what is really there.
Knowing what you are dealing with does not actually make it worse; it just opens the door to more specific prayer, more resources, more ways others can come alongside you, more awareness of what God will see you through. God sees the sin in its ugly reality and its ugly effects and He still was willing to offer the ultimate sacrifice to redeem us. So call it what it is, face things as they really are, then live to glorify God.
Recently, I revisited a wonderful blog I follow and found verses from Ezekiel that I think speak more than adequately to this topic:
Ezekiel 16:2-8 “Son of man, cause Jerusalem to know her abominations, and say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD to Jerusalem: “Your birth and your nativity are from the land of Canaan; your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite.As for your nativity, on the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed in water to cleanse you; you were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths.No eye pitied you, to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you; but you were thrown out into the open field, when you yourself were loathed on the day you were born.And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord GOD.
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